Desperate To Come Up With A Post To Retain A Few Readers

Having done only one post for the entire month of April—due mostly to a vacation and one trifle after another—I couldn’t wait to get back to doing what it is I truly love and miss most. Working for a living.

ALRIGHT, SO I’M FULL OF IT.

But, I think you’ll understand why I felt that way when I tell you, that upon my return from a recent vacation, I was told by my employers…

THAT IT WAS THEY WHOM I TRULY LOVED AND MISSED MOST.

Naturally, I agreed with them, because they gave me some hush money.

wikivoters.com

wikivoters.com

However, in the weeks since returning home— and falling prey to my employers and their brainwashing tactics, and after washing my mouth out with a high quality bar of soap—I wish to express to you all, that what I honestly loved and missed most, was working on my blog and commenting on your blogs.

HONEST!

Nevertheless, it has occured to me that, maybe some of you were actually GRATEFUL I’d been away, unable to do what it is I truly love and miss most.

Take poor old Herman from Holland, for example; who wrote to tell me how thrilled he was that I was abducted, and never to blog again?

Good old Herman, helped me to realize that maybe I had neglected my blog and all of you, and for far too long. And for what… JUST SO I COULD MAKE SOME MONEY?

Well I felt simply awful, insignificant—and able to pay my bills because of a flush bank account.

Still, horrible thoughts filled my head.

What if Herman (from Holland) wasn’t an isolated case? What if—and I admit it’s only a remote possibility—but what if, there were others who felt the same way about my FORCED absence?

So I immediately began to panic.

Oh I’d had bloggers who abandoned me before, but they were bloggers who had visited my site only ONCE, pressed the like button, only to vanish without ever offering a comment.

Not being one to hold a grudge, I understood these Narcissistic putzes.

Fly by night visitors all. The kind of people who go about reading those lame Huffington Post hyperbole hooks that say something like, “What happens next will terrify you.” Only to click on the site and find themselves staring down the barrel of a Super Soaker.

And this they then proclaim to be… Pulitzer Prize winning material.

Well who needs them! They’re not the kind of visitors I want anyway. Unless, of course, they’re planning on blindly returning to my blog multiple times in the near future.

Then all is forgiven, you fly by night narcissist.

Nevertheless, I was filled with fear and anxiety. The kind of fear and anxiety you feel when you see Dick Cheney walking up your driveway with a rifle wearing a tee-shirt that say’s, “I wanna be your friend.”

Hackwackers.blogspot.com

Hackwackers.blogspot.com

Or the kind of fear and anxiety that fills you with dread when you think; what if Donald Trump really does become President of the United States?

And the same kind of fear and anxiety which drove poor old Herman (from Holland) into hiding…

When he suddenly discovered I’d sent Navy Seals to find him.

Thanks for the horrible postcard, Herman!

Live long and prosper, you dunce. You can run in those clogs of yours—but not very far!

But, back to my immediate problem; What to write about?

I mentioned to my youngest son that I was thinking about doing a post about bloggers who are loyal to a fault.

He responded, “Well dad, I doubt any of you’re readers would want to read about bloggers loyal to something responsible for earthquakes.”

I’ve since decided against asking my youngest son about ANYTHING ELSE. Especially opinions on what to write about—as it is likely to be a total waste of time.

That’s when I had this epiphany—and I’m not even Catholic!

What if I were to do a post on bloggers who continue to ignore the American Medical Associations advice—not to read material found in my attic, as it’s been known to cause irreversible brain damage—and yet they (inexplicably) go on to read my posts, anyway?

Yes, it was a brilliant idea.

Until the heavens opened up, rays of light descended upon me, and I was caught up in the rapture.

Or so I thought, when in fact… I had been abducted by E.T. instead. Thus, ruining a pure moment of blissful genius on my part, and successfully returning me back to my faculties.

And I’m not even a college professor!

Anyway, all of this is just my way of trying to say; that beginning tomorrow—or sometime this year—I’m gonna start gossiping about all of you.

Yeah,and there’s no need to thank me for it—with financial compensation.

And, I’m not going to be gossiping negatively about you, like I have in the past—when I was spreading those horrible lies about you guys.

Nope, no more rumors and innuendos. No more whispering about you guys in the back alley’s, and behind closed doors.

No… I’m going to turn over a new leaf. Hell, I might even start collecting stamps.

And yet, I won’t allow any of that to change my wanting to talk about all of you, in a more positive way.

Now I realize that this move sounds like some kind of bribe on my part. One being attempted by a poor despicable writer, whose blog has only achieved a moderate amount of undue success.

And again you’d be right.

Because this revelation will likely send many of you running out to seek immediate help through electric shock treatments and 12 step programs, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Particularly if it means exposing (I mean exploring) all your wonderful sites.

So just you wait until this weekend folks… because I can’t do anything about it until I get back in town… because my employers have me on a leash.

If only I hadn’t accepted their promise of a steady paycheck. Then I might have tried this act of desperation a little sooner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

109 comments on “Desperate To Come Up With A Post To Retain A Few Readers

  1. Just so you will know not to send any bloggers my way. I’m on a break and not writing posts right now. They would hear crickets if they go to my blog. LOL! But it’s good to know you work for a living! Hahaha!

    • Yeah, and I also work for money. Letting people think I was independently wealthy wasn’t working out so well. I could never prove I had a dime to my name. And Joy, although I think it’s wonderful that you’ve allowed your blog to become a haven for crickets, don’t forget to remind them, that when you return from your break, you’re still the boss, and they’ll have to bug out. 😀

      • Not at all, Joy. I know you’ll resume your blog when your ready. I think we all love our blogs, otherwise why would we start them in the first place? But, we all need to feel free and ready to write in them, and when we don’t, then why not take that break? Our readers will understand. Besides, they probably experience the same thing from time to time themselves. Anyway, I feel a break every once in a while is a good thing for stimulating our imaginations. :O)

      • Thank you so much! I’m glad you understand! I cut the tip of my finger off cutting up vegetables and it’s hard to type with this big ol’ bandage. It’s a good thing it happened (if it was going to happen) while I was on a little break. Thanks for understanding!

      • Ouch! I feel like suggesting possibly using a hangnail for taking a break, instead. However, I fear that would sound insensitive—and I care not to come across that way. So I certainly hope the pain has subsided and will ask; did the doctors give your finger a good prognosis?

    • Oh Kate you’re a joy. Thank you! I’m glad to be back at the table and watching everyone feed their face. But I don’t think my employers understand that I have a blog to do, and that I can’t always be at their beck and call. It’s a good thing I like them, god knows where they’d be without me. 😀

  2. I was going to press “like” and then run away as a joke, like a kid who rings a doorbell and then runs away sniggering Hee hee hee!. Then I realized you wouldn’t know I was doing it as a joke unless I told you. So now I’m telling you. Only, that means I didn’t actually run away after all. I guess it wasn’t really a very successful joke, all things considered.

    Anyway, I’m glad you’re back, Paul. The Internet has been far too quiet without you. 🙂

    • Hey! I noticed I put an unnecessary period after the exclamation point in my comment. I’m running a little short on those, so if you could possibly stick it in an envelope and send it back to my blog, I’d be really grateful! Thanks! 🙂

    • Well we can’t have that, because that’s just what our internet providers want. Less service for more money! That kind of quiet always puts those people in the black.Thank you, Bun I’m glad to be back. All I can say is, it looks like my subliminal messaging idea, to get my readers to do more than press the LIKE button and comment, is really starting to sweep WordPress. My internet went down today, and you know what that means? All my readers must have been trying to comment all at once on my post. Why at this very minute, I’ll bet you WordPress is out there trying to find more fiber optics, just so they can handle all my blog traffic. 😀

      • That was a clever technique. I should try some variation of it. Er… perhaps I could tax people who like but don’t leave a comment. Yes, then I’d win either way. 🙂

  3. I think I was the final person to like your other April post — unless that’s just WP’s way of showing a reader that they already liked a post. I guess that means what I thought was your self-assured economy of posting was a fluke. But I’m here now, so I’ll probably be back the next time, too. So if I let you show me yours, do you want me to show you mine?

    • ABSOLUTELY! I MEAN, SURE! I mean… uh… sure… Sue. Guess I had a sudden spike in blood pressure there for a moment… but I’m okay now! I’ve had more than a few encounters with WP myself. Their way of doing things can very confusing, not that my way of doing things improves on theirs. But, whether you are first or last, I am delighted to have you here, Sue 😀

    • You know, Moonlit, I’ve been trying to get my stuff out there by way of the black market. Juan (my dealer), he says I should try giving the stuff away. You know, like free samples. But if I do that, I’ll never make the money that Elizabeth Taylor’s Blue Diamonds make! All I can say is; no wonder, Juan, is only operating on the black market! 😀

      • You aren’t using your noggin, dear. Give out free samples, FIRST, then once everyone is hooked on it, THEN you start charging! You gotta get that base interest first, though. 😉

      • Thank you, Moonlit. Your advice confirms what I feared. I knew it, my failure to sign up for those online university business courses (and further add to my student loan debt) has compromised my ability to draw up a successful business portfolio. No wonder I’m not conducting a profitable back alley business yet. 😀

      • Thanks Moonlit. Finally, I can give up using my trench coat—filled on the inside with vials of my magic elixir-not yet okayed by the FDA—and retire from the local street corners. 😀

  4. I’ve never understood how hopeless drudgery and insufferable toil — i.e. our jobs — can provide us with monetary compensation while our passions provide us with … well, a way to escape all the drudgery and toil, I guess. If only there was some way to combine what we love with a way to make money. Alas, drudgery and toil are what put food on the table … only it’s reheated food, because I’m too tired to cook.

    • Allen, you bring up yet another interesting conundrum. I’ve heard it said; find something you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. What a bunch of hooey! Why I love blogging, but I’ve yet to get out of working. Talk about your six degrees of separation.

      • That’s exactly the conundrum. And even worse: What if what you love is working? So if you discovering working and you love it, then you’ll never work another day in your life … and then you won’t be doing what you love.

        I think it’s a paradox that could unravel the space-time continuum.

      • Well, that would go a long way towards explaining why Einstein started writing gibberish with all that E=MC2 stuff. You know, I think he became less and less coherent after he tried tackling that love and work thing. It wasn’t long after that, that he started talking about bending light! Bending light…give me a break. Hell, even now, every time I use a flashlight or hit my high beams—to blind other drivers—the light still shines straight ahead. No wonder his hair went all frizzy like that.

    • Thank you for that compliment, Jodi. Your so right though. Boy, vacations with family, and employers with their promises of untold wealth. Who would have thought doing a blog would be fraught with so many grueling obstacles? 😀

  5. Paul, you are unbeatable!!! Amazing how you can write a really long post filled with punchlines over punchlines about being busy with work and not having time left for blogging… really, whatever you write is worth the waiting, Paul 😄

      • Yes, that was my intention… lol! Although I am also fine with the silliness you provide so far… haha! Oh, and please say Hello from me to the Dalai Lama! 😃

      • I’ll do that, Erika! Hey, you know, a little name dropping never hurt. No doubt, he’s probably familiar your work. And once he finds out that you and I know each other, well, who knows? Maybe after a few drinks, he’ll crack loose with some of that fine stand up material he’s been polishing over the years. Why I hear, there’s been times where he’s actually left them rolling in the aisles with laughter back in Tibet. I tell ya, the guys a real pro! 😀

      • Oh, yes, yes, I would feel honored when he finds out we know each other! Perhaps he might even get inspired a lot and updates his material with our inputs! Imagine the three of us on stage for a stand up comedy! Yay! I guess we would need a big hall! Let’s keept that thought alive!!! 😉👍

      • I suppose it wouldn’t hurt his chances none if he rode our coattails for a little while. I mean, what with his not being a household name and all. It couldn’t hurt I suppose—his tagging along with a couple of headliners like you and I—might even gain him a little notoriety. Next thing you know, he might even get to have his own blog. Just think how great it will be Erika, knowing that one day, you and I will be able to look back on it all, and say that we had a small (okay, LARGE) part in helping this little known up and coming Tibetan monk on his rise to fame in becoming a blogging sensation. Makes you feel kind of… strange… doesn’t it? 😀

      • OMG….. what a fantastic idea. The Dalai Lama on WordPress!!! And we inspired him to it! We are his discoverers and made him a star. We are stars ourselves!!!! You know what? I will book two stars on the Hollywood Boulevard right away!

      • Just think, Erika…while most people only get to stand in wet sand, we’ll be standing in wet cement. I only hope we step out of it before it hardens and some outraged monk has us dropped off a wharf, because we presumptuously introduced him to WordPress against his will.

  6. Well now you know we missed your wit and humor and we declared you a national treasure. Well would you believe we declared you a lot of fun? Glad you’re back.
    Remember the curse, “I hope you have a son just like you?” Well I think you got a live one there. Like father like son. Welcome back, when you get back.

  7. Herman from Holland sounds like a limerick waiting to a happen. Let’s see, what rhymes with Herm and begins with the letter S. Oh right…I have a limerick all ready now.
    See, I know you’re making this very kind offer of writing about your followers but I think, as a matter of full disclosure, you should make them aware that being mentioned by you might cause them to be A) placed in the witness protection program B) abducted by aliens or C) sit in a room with a couple of guys named Guido and Rocco who would like nothing more than to rearrange the bone structure of their faces.
    As for me, I just happened to stumble upon these words you wrote. I never met you before in my life, in case anyone is listening.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s