“The Donald” how does he do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign? Well not anymore!
Why you ask? Because a crack SUPER spy from, “In My Cluttered Attic” (posing as Donald Trump’s hair stylist) was able to lift his book of secrets right from within Mr. Trumps hair…while doing his usual crack styling job.
The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer. We knew there were millions more to be made by offering the story to our readers first.
So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away under Donald Trump’s scalp—revealing how he’s wrestled control away from the Republican Party’s elite. A book so secret “The Donald” himself didn’t have time to name it. So we’ve done that for him. We call this little treasure…
Trump: The Political Playbook.
First, you must learn to be yourself. Act outlandish and draw attention to yourself by hurling insults (we think he’s a natural at this). This will help you standout from the millions of other Republicans running. You can also call them liars. They will all look bewildered at you—not knowing who you mean—since they’re all guilty of lying themselves.
That’s what all politicians do.
And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. If (ha!) political issues should be brought up in a debate, immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse your opponent of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself! But be sure to do this in an entertaining way.
These days it’s called…politics.
Also, know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the poor and uneducated. You will probably have to spell this out for them, as they may not know that they are the poor and uneducated. So remind them of this by saying, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—that should remove all doubt.
*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (not being enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love), I suspect this will at least come as a relief to the poorly educated.—
And if there are some who are revolting (hee, hee) within your party, take over and lead them. That way, no one will see you coming. and you can use it to your advantage. Be as outrageous as possible—I know it’s hard for you, but try. Oh, and tell them, “Your fired!” as each one drops out of the race.
Think of the free publicity that would generate; Hey, it worked on The Apprentice!
In addition, you might adopt a look that draws attention to yourself, separating you from the other yahoos in your party. This means (trying to be subtle here), that nothing (I mean nothing) says sexy like whatever it is that you’re wearing on your head? NOTHING!
Oh well… we tried.
Also, make sure to accuse a candidate from the other party (yeah, there’s two) of infiltrating your people, and trying to sabotage your campaign. Suggest that many of your revolutionaries are his young revolutionaries come to join you. That he can’t afford to compete with the kind of publicity your money can buy.
This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!
Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it also confuses the hell out of the media—and the public in general!
When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?
Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are, and that this makes it possible for you to say, do, or build anything you want—MAYBE EVEN A GIANT WALL! This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives…
Called lobbyist, corporations, and private interest—so what’s another wall, right?
Remind them all that money is power and that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries. Oh, and be sure to use this fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too. Because you can.
Wait: some of them ARE Americans?
Oh well, that’s okay take the offensive. After all, the American people are already offended and fear their own congress—And your party runs it! Talk about an oxymoron—so this will be nothing new for them.
And lastly, turn around and throw all that money and power back in the face of the party of money and power—YEAH, YOUR OWN PARTY-THE DO NOTHING PARTY UNLESS IT BENEFITS THE RICH—and throw them a party!
Claim it as your own party and go do whatever it is you want with it, and tell them they can all go suck lemons.
WAIT A MINUTE!
There aren’t any secrets here. We’re still baffled about his appeal. We’ve been duped. Where is that crack spy of ours? Hey… don’t you know none of this stuff is top secret? It’s all public knowledge, you moron. Hope you have a resume because here’s your notice…