Trump: The Political Playbook

How does Trump do it? Does he have some super secret blueprint for running a winning political campaign?


Our crack SUPER spy, who occasionally does contract work for us here at “In My Cluttered Attic,” recently passed himself off as Donald Trump’s hair stylist.

While fumbling through, what passes for his hair, our spy stumbled across Trump’s political playbook.

The Washington Post and New York Times both offered us a substantial amount of money for the story, but we refused the offer.

We knew there were millions more to be made by offering this story to our readers first.

So here, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, is the confidential material—sequestered away on top of Donald Trump’s scalp.

It reveals how he has wrestled control away from the Republican elite, while appealing to their basic instinct of—securing more money, more power, and complete control of the country at the publics expense.

The hardest work he has ever done? No, he doesn’t know what hard work is.

So, what is in Trump’s political playbook?

First,: be yourself. This may include acting outlandish and having to draw all the attention to yourself, but think of how freeing this will be to your basic narcissistic inclination.

Be sure to hurl lots of insults at your opponents. This should come naturally to you. It will also help you standout from the millions of other Republican candidates running for president—particularly since you are aspiring to be God.

Call them liars. They may look bewildered and try to act like they don’t know what you’re talking about at first, but being liars themselves, they won’t look genuine at all. Plus, this will deflect all the attention away from the enormous whoppers you are telling!

And whatever you do, make sure you avoid discussing real political issues. However, if while at a debate, political issues should be brought up (sacrilege!), immediately change the subject to your opponent. Accuse them of something stupid, and then say something even more stupid yourself!

Do this in a showy and entertaining way. Make them the apprentice—you know how.

Know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the rich and power-hungry, while still appealing to the uneducated. And, being that you fit both of the aforementioned, you should have no problem with this task.

You will probably have to spell this out for them, but not being able too spell well yourself might make this just another challenge for you.

Also, make the claim, “I love the poor and uneducated.”—they’ll believe you since you’re probably not as rich or educated as you claim to be.

*Note: The actual quote from Donald Trump was, “I love the poorly educated!” Now I was called out on this particular point, and rightly so. So, although this will probably come as a blow to the poor and uneducated folks (who are not enveloped in “The Donald’s” embrace of love) it still might come as a relief to those who are poorly educated.

And if there are some who are revolting within your party (like Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan), lead them down the garden path by telling them that you we’re just kidding when you said you were going to drain the swamp—since you actually were kidding.

Also, be as outrageous as possible—it worked on “The Apprentice.” Just say “Your fired!” as each one of them drops from the race.

In addition, adopt a look that draws attention to yourself—try putting SOMETHING on your head that looks ridiculous.

This will immediately separate you from the other yahoos in your party. Not even Bernie will be able to compete with you!

Nothing say’s “Sexy” to old frumpy-looking blond women like, like, like whatever it is that’s on your head. They’ll eat you up!

Accuse a candidate from the other party of infiltrating and trying to sabotage your campaign. As if they were really worried you could actually win an election.

This next part is very important; be sure to flip-flop… A LOT!

Not only does it keep your opponents guessing and off balance, it confuses the hell out of the media and public in general!

When in doubt…step on Little Marco. He knows how to flip-flop for you. What’s that? He’s gone already! Well, there’s always Ted Cruz and that other guy—what’s his name?

Never miss a chance to point out how rich you are—since living off the taxpayer will make it look like you really are as rich as your claiming.

This will make it possible for you to say that you can build anything you want. I don’t know what? MAYBE A WALL!

This will come as no surprise to most Americans, as they already have a wall between them and their representatives anyway.

I mean, we already have lobbyist, corporations, and private interest standing between us and our representatives.

So, what’s another wall, right?

Tell your cult following that you have more money than god—probably because he doesn’t use the stuff—but this will throw FEAR (something your party is an expert at) into the hearts of other countries.

Oh, and don’t forget to use fear against Muslims and Hispanics, too—even if they’re American citizens who are bilingual, unlike you. This will distract your base of support from the fact that you yourself barely have command of the English language.

Finally, flash a dopey smile, eat lots of fast food and get fatter, while making sure to act goofy—it becomes you.

It may not look presidential, but no one will ever suspect you of being competently able to lead the country.






59 comments on “Trump: The Political Playbook

  1. Paul, I did not know if I should burst from laughter or cry! You nailed it and summed up that whole stupid manipulation, thinking that people are brainless…. which might work for many, sadly! It feels liberating to look at this serious farce with such a dose of irony! Good to have you, Paul!

    • Thank you, Erika. In one respect, it is all pretty funny—including the whole political process in general. But, since this is supposedly about electing someone to oversee the country, it all seems a little disturbing, that real issues (complex as they are) aren’t being discussed here by the candidates. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what they are—and in some cases that may be true. But then again, they might know them all to well—as they probably have access to hidden details that we don’t. But even more scary, is the possibility that they don’t have a solution to these problems (because no one person can unravel them due to the convoluted nature of them), so they turn to distracting the public from the issues by insulting their opponent in an attempt to avoid being pinned down to discuss their knowledge of the issues. I believe Donald learned—from his time on television—how to manipulate a large portion of the public, by turning the campaign into something like reality television—thus making it like a form of entertainment, somewhat manufacturing the drama. This in turn, appears to have helped him beat his opposition at their own game. That of name calling and avoiding the issues, while presenting a facade of being presidential. In reality, they all just dress better because they have a lot more money, and power (from their party of backers) than most other Americans who are probably just as smart, if not smarter than them..

  2. “Also, know your audience. In a revolution, you must appeal to the poor and uneducated. You will probably have to spell this out for them, as they may not know that they are the poor and uneducated.”

    Obviously, anyone who wasn’t born rich and couldn’t afford college is stupid. Your cultural elitism is showing.

      • Well I’ll admit that in a mild attempt at humor I can see where someone might feel stupidity might have been suggested. However, please know that was never my intent. And because I feel guilty about possibly implying stupidity—again not my intent—for that, I do apologize. Uneducated should never imply stupidity, only lack of opportunity, and so I stand corrected.

    • And a lot of other people, too. One thing we can’t deny, though, he has his followers and they’re devoted to him. I know we all make mistakes—I myself just got called on one by a reader, and he was right. However, a lot of what Donald say’s is true, and he does demonstrate more courage than his opponents, so I have got to give him credit for speaking his mind. But, sometimes I wonder if being so brutally honest about something doesn’t do more harm than good. Diplomacy does have it’s place. Have a great weekend, Sheila. :O)

  3. Oh, if we could only fire him! I feel sorry for your spy – having to put his hands on Trump’s “hair” – yuck!! I hope you gave him a good bonus!

  4. Paul, I have wondered in recent days if Donald really is the most surprised person of all where he finds himself right now. I mean, ego aside why would he want to bind himself professionally and financially by taking a step down to be President? I wonder if he saw the bloated field and figured it would be fun to do a bunch of debates, get some serious air time and ultimately position himself for lucurative business dealings and power brokering with a potential future President. Next thing you know he’s saying “OMG it’s ME!” It is entirely possible he may now look to sabotage his own campaign realizing this went way farther than he ever intended. This might all be enough to even make his hair stand on end…

    • LOL It might! I think that’s a very interesting theory to entertain, though. Bruce, you may be on to something there. What if he thought it might bring him more attention and improve his holdings. But now, the possibility that he might win, well that might force him to have a third party manage a large portion of his financial holdings. It begs to be asked; did he actually anticipate this prospect? I mean, he’s always been about the wealth. then again, he does have an enormous ego. Thought provoking theory, Bruce. :O)

  5. We Canadians are watching the antics of “the Donald” with great concern…initially we thought of his candidacy as a joke, then we were appalled that many Americans were actually supporting him. Now we fear that he could actually pull this off. I’m with “sportsattitudes”…one can only hope that Trump grows bored with the whole political process and concentrates on more serious issues like finding a new hairstylist.

  6. As soon as I saw the title I began snickering because I knew this was gonna be enjoyable-I was not disappointed. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but just think about how Trump being elected president would impact you blog; the blogging world as we know it might just explode with all the traffic heading your way.

  7. I’m glad you managed to get hold of the Donald Trump playbook so we could all have a look at the political wisdom within:

    “Tactic 1: Spout outrageous and offensive nonsense. Tactic 2: Spout outrageous and offensive nonsense. Tactic 3: Spout…”

    Seems there’s a lot of nuance and sophistication built into his plans. That must be why it appeals so strongly to GOP voters.

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