THE FORWARD: A little about “About Bartholomew’s” Author—We met Paul (the author of this novella) after we became cognizant of the fact that he was our father. Not long after, we discovered that he didn’t know how to take a proper selfie.
We offer this photo as exhibit A. There won’t be an exhibit B—we’re not that cruel.
Our dad is very fond of saying that “About Bartholomew” is an amazing new work of fiction from America’s best unknown blogger. Naturally, this new novella version of his novel will see to it that it stays that way.
We never knew our dad had written so many other fabulous works of fiction, and apparently none of his publishers knew it either.
So, this might serve to explain why he does a blog at WordPress instead, continuing to labor in the shadow of the likes of Steinbeck, Austin, and Hemingway.
That would be Joan Steinbeck, John Austin, and Ernestine Hemingway — their blogs are so much better.
It is with great apprehension that we, his offspring, invite you to read this latest masterpiece from our dad “About Bartholomew.”
It’s been whittled down to a paltry 1437 words to spare you from having to read the (unedited, and unsold) novel.
Please keep in mind this was all made possible by WordPress — so blame them.
“I dedicate this story to my wife and children who now will not make one cent off of it —that’s because they laughed all the way through it.” I’ll show them—Paul
CHAPTER ONE: Don’t Go Towards The Light
It was a dark and stormy night, not that he would have noticed, as it was still warm and cozy inside.
He felt closer to her now somehow. Her heart was pounding like a hundred warehouse pumps in an echo chamber. Thump-thump, thump-thump.
“If only I had a pair of earplugs.” Bartholomew, thought himself.
Suddenly, up from down under (no not Australia), he caught sight of a light entering into the room. The ray of light grew brighter and brighter. He couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like a choir of angels were trying to sing — only they couldn’t carry a tune.
Bartholomew’s eyes gradually widened. Silhouetted against this light were shadowy figures.
He could just make out through his (Ray-Ban) sunglasses (recently purchased online) that the mysterious alien figures were all wearing masks.
His mind raced with a million questions, however, WordPress said I only have room for three.
“Who are these masked figures? What do they want with me? “How did they get access to my womb — room?” That’s when it hit him…
CHAPTER TWO: When Sally Slept With Tom, Dick and Harry… And Bartholomew!
There was only one man in Sally’s life, and that was Harry — and that was after a haircut and a shave. Not counting, of course, Tom (the Uber driver), Dick (the hunky pool boy), and … Bartholomew.
Sure, there were other men in her life, but this is only a novella not a five thousand page novel — as originally intended. So, you’ll never find out who the rest of the guys were — not without a court order anyway.
“But, it’s only Bartholomew for me.” Sally thought. ” And Harry makes two, and okay, all those other guys as well. But, mostly Bartholomew.”
Then, she was hit with an epiphany (and it hurt).
“What if Chris Hemsworth suddenly were available?
“Then Chris will be the only man in my life.” She smiled to herself, happy with that fantasy.
Otherwise, it was going to be Bartholomew… and Tom, and Dick, and Harry. Okay, and all those other guys.
She was satisfied to at least have some outs in case it didn’t work out with Chris.
Harry, on the other hand, came into her life like a millstone — that was earlier in chapter two. Athough, Bartholomew — the younger of the two — won her over without saying a word.
They shared a bed together, and yes, she put up with his babbling and goo gooing and ga gaing all the time. After all, he was her baby. What else could she do?
Put him up for adoption? Not hardly— because that would have required my having to write an extra chapter.
Meanwhile, Harry was wrestling with a whole different issue, and that issue was, Bartholomew.
“It’s not possible!” he thought. “She couldn’t have been pregnant, we never had sex!
CHAPTER THREE: Act Two
And Bartholomew did.
Still in shock from having been forcibly evicted from his tiny apartment by total strangers who were not midwives (and with forceps) Bartholomew was furious.
He swore revenge on the people responsible for his eviction — especially since they gave him no notice — and unleashed an act of revenge so diabolical, other parents of the world took note.
He started asking ‘WHY?’ to everything.”
Told you it was diabolical.
CHAPTER FOUR: A Colorful Narrative… In Black an White
The wind was howling the way coyote’s howl at the moon,
“Ahwooo…wooo…wooo…wooo!” Trees bending with each howl.
“You, tree on the left, bend that way. You, tree on the right, bend the other way.” said the wind — and a bottle of twelve-year old scotch.
A swift gale caused the night owls (bar hoppers) to fly backwards.
While real night owls got a hoot out of witnessing the sight. There they were, a bunch of drunks frantically flapping their arms about in an effort to stand upright while being blown backwards.
Of course, none of the above narrative has anything to do with the rest of the story, but I had to put it somewhere in the manuscript. So, why not in chapter four, right?
CHAPTER FIVE: All The Dramatic Moments You Missed While Reading The Colorful Narrative In Chapter Four
There was an exciting plane crash into Vatican City. Take my word for it, it was action packed!
Then the Pope pulled out a pearl handle gun from his shoulder holster — the papacy allows its use only in extreme emergencies — and he shot it out with a bunch of clowns from a traveling Circus.
There was a thrilling fight to the death atop Mt. Everest with a Sherpa who was dressed as a llama. This involved two characters who had absolutely nothing else to do with the story.
A “Great Flood of Jello” wiggled its way down the buttes into the Mojave Desert at midday and wiping out some odious traveling nomads who were searching for the mysterious birth place of Bartholomew.
Then the enchanting conclusion, where Bartholomew breaks into song joined by the entire town of Bakersfield, California (in a completely unrehearsed, beautifully choregraphed song and dance number) singing the title tune from the book.
This was followed by a revelation (at a masquerade party gone wrong) by Sally of who Bartholomew’s real father was, and it’s not Tom (the Uber driver), Dick (the hunky pool boy), or even Harry the boyfriend, but Jerry the mailman!
Jerry immediately swore to Tom, Dick, and Harry (as they were about to go all Bruce Lee on him) that he had nothing to do with the weird title character’s immaculate conception and that it was some hack with a red nose wearing pajamas (with footies) who was the real person irresponsible for the weird biographical invention and that none of what was written was true.
Of course, none of them bought poor Jerry’s preposterous story, and so he never made a dime from it. However, the author will.
You see, it’s not what you think, it’s what you imagine.
BACK FLAP—Paul is the best selling (albeit, delusional) author of two children’s books.
“The Marshmallow Man is a Smore Fluffy Fellow than you Realize”. And the classic, “Why I Write with Two Hyphens because Two Hyphens are Never Two Too Many.
Well… it had to be either Tom or Dick (or Brad). LOL! Hahaha! ^(‘o’)^
Well, Joy, that narrows it down considerably. Might even possibly rule out the immaculate conception theory that Harry had, too.
Oh! Now I know why my son is stuck with why questions all the time!
Hira, so you were a victim of Bartholomew’s diabolical plan, too? Well, you’ve probably discovered that there’s no cure for it. Sorry about that, but at least you’re not alone!
(LOL) This was one exciting novella. I couldn’t put it down!
And I couldn’t get it published! Otherwise, I think it would have made the New York Times Best Seller list by the end of the week. I’m certain it could have made the Rawlins Daily Times of Wyoming’s top ten list. Well almost certain. Thanks Lynn. 😀
hahaha me too! 🙂
Yet another fine paid endorsement—from my line of credit. Thanks again, Lynn.
🙂 most welcome, always a pleasure!
That’s what I hope my writing delivers. I’m most grateful. :o)
🙂 most welcome!
Oh Paul – your mind – to spend just 5 minutes in there might just overwhelm me! 🙂
Jodi, if it makes you feel any better my poor unfortunate wife has been stuck in there for the last 36 years. 😀
Are you hitting the sauce? Hot sauce of course!
Oh yes. Pace Picante Sauce, Kate. I only wished I’d eaten it with the chips, and not the whole jar by itself. Oh the heartburn I’m in for now!
Always with chips Paul!
Very entertaining and funny – you lived up to your reputation! Loved it!
Well that settles it. I’m going to get started on that 5000 page horror version of “About Bartholomew” next. Thanks Bev. 😀
Hope that script makes it to the theaters…of course as a horror movie called: The Why!!! 😃
That’s an absolutely terrifying idea. I LOVE IT, ERIKA! Get me Chris Hemsworth on the phone right away. He’s perfect for the part. We’ll have him play Bartholomew…at age 2! 😀
When you first mentioned Chris Hemsworth I thought…. wooo 😌…. until I read about his role as a two year old… lol!!!! But whoever plays him…. let me be the mom… lol! I have the perfect facial expression when hearing the word: WHY! It is a freeze with terrified eyes without any special effects.😃
Was this bit of wacky as fun to write as it was to read? I bet it was.
And you’d be rich too, Jan. It was. 😀
Great Novella! It was like “The Old Man and the Sea” all over again, except with a different setting, characters, story and tone. I think you should definitely sell the rights to a major TV network. I could see the story being stretched out over, say, 20 seasons. Chapters one, three, four and five of the novella could all be covered in the first five minutes of season one, episode one. The remaining several hundred episodes could then cover all the various other men in Sally’s life.
This makes me feel better about turning down that three night mini-series for millions of dollars. I’m fairly certain I could get 20 seasons out of ABC. Just look how they keep renewing The Bachelor. Why not About Bartholomew?
Quite right. I think you can get 20 seasons at least. I mean, Sally got about a bit.
Oh when it comes to Sally, we could probably go at least as long as 60 Minutes has. Even longer, if we took a season for each of the men not mentioned in the story. That alone would fill a novel!
My goodness. She seems to have a longer history than Ancient Egypt.
Bun, I suspected right from the beginning—the day I was born, in fact—that the networks were not going to be big enough to tell the story of Sally, the promiscuous alien girl from beyond that black hole, just after you take the first left-hand turn in the Delta quadrant. I think that’s why I stuck with Bartholomew’s story instead. It was more routine, and one most people could instantly identify with. No, I think we may have to take Sally and her story to HULU.
You may well be right. Incidentally, good call on the Sally thing on the day you were born. That’s what I call prescience.
The whole idea had been brewing for about nine months. I just couldn’t find a keyboard!
Take all the money up front when you sell the movie rights.
I will, Scott. Along with a large percentage of the profits from the film.
A brilliant write. Amusing and it left us with doubts.
About my future as a writer? 😀
LOL Be well my friend.
And you. Thanks Lonely. ‘o)
I believe my copy had some missing paragraphs…or chapters! ~Elle
LOL. Oh those silly editors at Double-Day. I’m so sorry, Elle, I guess they couldn’t wait until April 1st to pull that April Fools joke. I’ll ask them to put the other 12 chapters back in the book. I don’t think they understand how doing something like that can change the whole subtle nuance of a story. 😀
Please do that! You could have a best seller! 😉
Wouda, coulda, shouda. Where have I heard that before. Oh! The pink rejection slip! 😀
Lol…sometimes there are no words to fully express my admiration for your talents. There are simply no words😊
If only they’re were, George. Think of how many more chapters I could have done! But, maybe the world’s just not ready for that, yet.
Oh I think they’re ready for you. They just need several more chapters to get “acquainted” with your mind..:)
That’s why I went back and added a forward to my post (with new photo showing my good side, including a dedication). I just finished it and added it to the beginning—because adding it to the ending made even less sense than my story did. 😀
I’m beginning to think maybe I should have wrote a comedy, instead.
Wait, so a plane of clowns crashed into the Vatican? Can I assume these were evil clowns?
Well of course, Sarah. Why do you think the Pope wears white all the time. He’s one of the good guys! Clowns must be really messed up psychologically. Otherwise, why would they wear a palette of paint?
I just figured the clowns had gone to a dollar store while drunk and bought paint. I mean, it happens. Not that I speak from personal experience…
LOL, of course not. What kind of paints did you use? 😀
Latex…I mean, not from personal experience! I have no idea what sort of paints!
Please tell me there’s a sequel…if not a movie adaptation! The title to Chapter 5 still has me laughing over here. Sometimes it scares me how similar your mind is to mine.
Steven Spielberg was just named to direct it. I don’t think he knows it yet because I just said it, but I think he’ll catch on soon enough. Yes, my mind has that same effect on other people, too, Paul. It must be Industrial Light and Magic. But of course, they’re experts in the field of effects!
I found chapter 4 to be extremely poignant and the ending was, well…
Yeah, it was kind of a sad chapter—in my writing career. 😀