Query Letter To My Publisher

query letter

Dear Sirs: Thank you for your interest in my unfinished and—as of yet—un-started novel. Though, I appreciate your interest in what will obviously be an enormous number one best seller, I cannot accept the advance—because I have yet to receive it.

I’m sure this is nothing more than a simple oversight on the part of your accounts payable clerk, and that you are guilt free and completely blameless in the matter.

Not that I would ever presume to tell you how to run your business, but might I suggest a firm talking to is in order, and that I have no desire to see your clerk sacked. At least, not until I have received the full cash advance.

Then you can give him or her the boot as you see fit.

May I also express my gratitude to your editor, who clearly discerned the value of my manuscript—sight unseen—and the potential it has for making you, and your company, more money than J.K Rowling ever imagined.

Particularly after we sign that movie rights deal with Warner Brothers. Their request for the subsequent sequels is perfectly natural.

They must have somehow found out—I can’t imagine who would have told them?—that this will be the beginning of a planned trilogy I’ve been working on, since being inspired by the money the Hunger Games series has been making.

As you know, I needn’t tell you—but I will—the appeal of stories about teens knocking each other off is sweeping the book world.

I only mention this due to the interest shown in my unwritten masterpiece by my good friend, Bradley Cooper. When I showed him a proposed early draft of my novel, he preceded to go to the studio and insist on playing the hero in the piece to my aunt’s sister’s friend’s cousin… Jennifer Lawrence.

But, please don’t let any of this influence you in any way.

Why even none other than, Stephen King, said to me that it was the best piece of fiction he had ever hoped to read. Without my knowledge, Stevie—his closest friends are allowed to call him that—impulsively sent out a theory about what my manuscript might contain… to various publisher’s, who have since sent me offers for millions of dollars.

Naturally, I wanted to give you the right of first refusal… as a professional courtesy.

No doubt, all concerned have informed you of how my manuscript is filled with plenty of sex and violence, and one hell of a plot twist at the end that will have readers talking about it for year’s to come.

I won’t bother you with the story details as you and your attorney’s will obviously need time to draw up the multi-million dollar contract.  Let me just say, that it is enough that you are as excited as I am about what promises to be the biggest selling book to come along since…well since, The Bible.

I hope you’ll accept an invite to sit at my table with George Clooney and his wife, Amal (Whoops! Did I just name drop? We’ll just pretend that that slip of the tongue never happened and just act surprised) at next years Oscar party.

Well I look forward to hearing from you—that the checks in the mail.



78 comments on “Query Letter To My Publisher

  1. It’s always very, very important to display humbleness and respect towards the query reader, a tip of the hat if you will to their significant importance and their station in the grand scheme of life. Always better to keep your letter low key and ego-free as you remind them how much you understand they have such an important job that influences the masses. This…is not that letter…

  2. I have confirmed with your publisher that the check is in the mail. It’s addressed to J.K. Rowling due to another clerical error, though.
    Also, we discussed the plot twist of your book, and although we agreed that the last line revealing to the reader that all this time the reader was holding the book upside down is indeed shocking, they felt it should be more relevant to the story.

    • Money always seems to flow to J.K.—even mine! X, are you sure you confirmed all of this with the publishers, and not George W? He’s been known to read books upside down. Or, at least, he’s attempted to do so in the past.

    • Not at all, Mike. Remember, in order to wet the publishers appetite for what you have not yet wrote, don’t give too much of the plot you haven’t thought about, away. Leave them wanting more. In my case…I left them wanting everything. They should be licking their chops by now! :@D

  3. The first step of the writing process is also the most important: cashing the advance check and partying for a week straight.

    You know, for inspiration.

  4. How can anyone, especially a publisher deny the profitability of your yet to be written trilogy, or preface for that matter, when your fantasy connections in the business are so influential. My guess is you’ve already received that check since this has been posted and are out there being Chip Kelly his first meal in Northern Cali. I wouldn’t get too attached to your new coach, however, I doubt he’ll be there very king. But I digress..:)

    • George, I must tell you that Chip and I have broke bread only a couple of times since his arrival. But, I had to stop going to meals with him when breaking wind became a problem too. As for the publisher, well I think seven figures is a small request for the untold billions to be made from my, as yet, untitled gem. But, eight figures has been mentioned…uh…but…only by me at this point in the negotiations. 😀

  5. I don’t see how any publisher could possibly turn down such a hilarious, er… humble and sincere request for a truckload of cash. It did leave me feeling a little uneasy, though, Paul. Your unwritten trilogy is clearly better than my unwritten one, and your fantasy movie star friends are more famous. If even you are finding it hard to wring any money from those publishing skinflints, I don’t think it bodes well for my chances.

    • I admit to being something of a pioneer in the field at the moment. But, if I prove successful, there’s no telling how many other would be writers of unwritten novels with no title will be spawned. It could grow to be much more than just a cottage industry.

  6. No wonder, my lazy mind pop up here. I needed to feel the weight of your words on your publisher. I will not be surprised when you have your vacation on blogalaxy since you already have much cash you deserve. Thank you again for that very eloquent, entertaining and I can say convincing use of words. How can they deny your check after all that? LOL 🙂 Hello again our funny bozo…err pulitzer winner 🙂

  7. It’s my understanding you already spent the money? They had to mail bits-n-pieces of it to all your outstanding bills- directly to those companies because (and I didn’t say this, nor believe this), but it’s rumored you went a little crazy and everyone fears you won’t send them payment or over-spent on (and this is just hearsay):

    10,000 red noses from Squeaky Clown Town?
    100 autographed photos of Bradley Cooper (he might think that strange no matter how close friends you are)
    Paying off a debt you owe to Stephen King for losing in Backgammon (who knew there was gambling in backgammon, and That Mr. King plays?)
    And did you seriously buy George Clooney’s Italian estate?

    So, there you go…if those things are true, this is why you have not yet received your payment. Your friends called in and had the amount due to them sent directly to them.

  8. Pingback: The sunshine bloggers award!!!!!! | Being ME !

  9. I really want to feature you one Friday! So, would you be ok with that and is that you in the batmobile picture so I can use that pic.? And, haha what is your first name? I think your blog is very different and funny! Let me know

    • I’d be delighted—not to mention happy to do an interview. Yes, it is me in the Batmobile—sans cape and cowl, not to mention makeup!—on one of those rare occasions when I was allowed to escape the Attic Cave. Oh…my name is Paul. I think WordPress is dropping F’s. I wanted to spell first, but as you can see—it looks like they dropped the the F in irst on your question too. Thank you Lynz, I’m very happy that my blog comes across that way. I think different and funny is a wonderful combination.

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