Merry Christmas To All, And To All—GET BUSY WRAPPING!



Twas the night before Christmas, the last minute shopper had been out and about. Came home with his packages begging help from his spouse. Looking for tape and scissors and knowing not where, he had hoped to avoid the gift-wrapping nightmare.

Yes, Christmas Eve is finally here folks. But, we better watch out, and we better not cry, we better not pout I’m telling you why, Santa Claus has finally skipped town. And where you ask, is Jolly Old St. Nick?


That’s right, you heard it here first. Kris Kringle has—like Elvis—left the building. He’s given up his North Pole distribution center for an extended stay in the Florida Keys. Sub-contracted the whole workshop out to the PUC—Parents Under Contract. You and I are the new CEO’s of Xmas-Inc. In charge of getting gifts under the tree in time for Christmas morning.

You, me, the Post Office, FedEx, UPS, DHL…etc.

And who gets the elves you ask? That would be the unemployment office. Bad break for the little guys.

And Santa? Well by downsizing and putting his annually lucrative gift-giving enterprise into receivership; with a deferred compensation arrangement including a 401K, rather generous pension plan, substantial benefit package, and executive stock compensations; plus the pending sale of his North Pole properties, he probably stands to make out like a bandit.

In addition to that, his Swiss Bank account is magically drawing 6%!

You wanna guess who’s left holding that bag? Bingo! Correct, you and I… the public. However, we do get the satisfaction of knowing that our children will have a Merry Christmas. Not to mention that we the adults, will have lighter hearts and wallets.

But, I saw this coming years ago.

Every Christmas Eve Santa would show up later and later. Then my parents would say, Well he’s not gonna show until you go to bed.” Who were they kidding? What did they have to hide? Who were they trying to protect?

That should have been my first clue that Santa was eyeing an early retirement.

Sometimes they’d say: “Kids, Santa Claus has way too many deliveries tonight, around the world trips take time.”—especially if you’re using a sleigh.

Or, “There’s too many holiday travelers in the air and that’s causing flight delay’s. So Santa’s probably in a holding pattern with other air-traffic.”

But my all-time favorite excuse for his being late came the year of the big snow storm; “He’s probably going to need the help of a red-nosed reindeer this year.” That’s a good one.

Over the years—ever so gradually—the job of Christmas delivery began falling to us. At first, I’d just put on a red suit and fake beard. But then I started adding inches to my waist-line with those darn cookies. Then one year, I stuck in the darn chimney.

Where my oldest son found me on Christmas morning. stock-photo-three-of-santa-s-reindeer-on-a-snowy-rooftop-looking-to-see-if-he-s-down-in-a-chimney-2256936

Of course, there was the expected blubbering when he realized I wasn’t really Santa Claus. However, the tears soon dried up when I told him it didn’t mean any interruption in the flow of high-priced goods for his Christmas holiday.

I carefully explained to him there might even be some hush money in it for him.

Naturally, my son was excited by this prospect and immediately initiated a notarized contract—I was astounded to find him a notary public, too! He encouraged me to sign on the threat of exposure to the other kids. I did as directed and was surprised to find the contract stipulated—among other things—that lots and lots of toys were still part of the deal.

So—fellow board members—Santa Claus has made it official; he’s no longer the front man for Christmas—something we’ve all known for quite some time now, anyway

Nevertheless, that leaves us with a very perplexing question to answer. If Santa Claus hasn’t been doing all that frequent flyer on Christmas Eve…

Then who’s the fraud Norad’s been tracking all these years?










61 comments on “Merry Christmas To All, And To All—GET BUSY WRAPPING!

  1. Hohoho Paul, covered in tinsel, pine needles and wrapping paper (indeed) I took a break to read your fantastic post whilst sipping milk and nibbling cookies that were left untouched (indeed) I fell uplifted again and with a big grin on my face I will finish clearing up the mess that red coated fat fellow left me with before anyone here notices anything. Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones and I look forward to more fantastic posts from you in the New year

    • Johanna, it was my pleasure to be the bearer of such glad tidings on this Merry Christmas Eve. In any event, this task will likely fall to all of us anyway. Another Christmas responsibility Santa dropped in our laps when he decided to trade in his sleigh for a boat, just so he could go fishing in hopes of landing a Marlin. At least our new job requires we only wrestle with wrapping paper and not with some Marlin. That thought brings a smile to my face. May you and your family, have the MERRIEST of Christmas’s this year, Johanna! 😀

    • Sorry I’ve become such a slave driver, Jodi—imploring you to quickly wrap all those gifts and all. But I’m sure you understand. But, what with no elves to help us—and Santa not giving at least a two week notice—I felt it my responsibility to encourage you all to get the led out. May you and your family have a Merry Christmas! Minus the possible side-effects of Carpel Tunnel from all that repeated gift-wrapping. 😀

  2. Lol….retired. I was anxiously awaiting your Christmas Eve post. Not that I’ve had prior experience, I just knew the craziness would appear on Christmas Eve and like a gift from what used to be Santa’s home before booked his Florida gig, there it was, and I must say it is a classic….:)
    Have a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year, my friend😀
    PS…now that Santa is retired and doesn’t need the rest, does he celebrate NYE with the Mrs and the elves?

    • LOL. Santa’s former home is right. The sale has been pending for some time now and it just closed this morning. I hear some bunny bought the property and was planning on producing multicolored eggs to plant in the spring for kids to find. Now I ask you George, have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous in your entire life? All the same, I hope Santa’s Florida gig winds up costing him big time in property taxes. But George, back to your question. I must say that this is a question that has baffled man since the dawn of Timex. Therefore, being a man who just happens to own a Timex…I must be baffled! But, I’d being willing to venture that he and the Mrs will likely ditch the elves somewhere in Times Square on New Years Eve. Then, they’ll probably scoot off to a dance floor somewhere, where they’ll kick up their heels until dawn, and fall hopelessly asleep in each others arms—due to all the alcohol consumption. Then wake up with a horrible hangover during the middle of the Rose Bowl, serving them both right, deserting us all on Christmas Eve like that—with not an elf in sight—knowing full well that I’m always all thumbs when it comes to gift-wrapping. Merry Christmas, George! And may you and the entire family have a Happy and VERY HEALTHY New Year, my friend! :O)

    • I know what you mean, Kate. When I first heard 6% I too, nearly keeled over. I’m almost positive that was a typo. Would you believe some people even tried to tell me I was nuts for suggesting Santa would even get 6% on his money? But I realized a 6% return was probably too low. But I just knew 14% back on his money seemed much too high. 6% IS JUST RIGHT! Wink, wink. Maybe we could talk our banks into it too? Kate, I want to wish you and your husband a heartfelt MERRY CHRISTMAS!

    • Thanks Paul. Nice play on words. But I’ll tell, ALL, you said goodnight when I see him. Even if I have to wake him up to do so. I’ll also tell him he has a weird name. I mean, who names their kid… ALL? Anyway Paul, I hope you and the family have a wonderful Christmas! MERRY CHRISTMAS, PAUL! :O)

    • Thank you, Lynz. I did, however, have to bribe one of the unemployed elves for this true story. But, I gave him a ten for it though. Naturally, I sold it to the first tabloid that offered me six figures—they’re always looking for heartwarming stories like this at Christmas time—and thereby turned it into a tidy profit. I remember one year, I sold one of them the story about how The Grinch—when he was still without a heart—left Batboy up on Mount Crumpet to freeze to death, after he accidentally picked him up while raiding his condo. And then I went on to relate how the Abominable Snowman found Batboy, and took him in. That being said, I wanna wish you and your family A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, Lynz. :O)

  3. I just now heard the alleged NORAD update on the radio (in between Christmas songs) where Santa’s exact location was represented. Clearly this cover-up has been engineered by someone who can manipulate and travel back and forth through time with lots of resources. Wait. What about Doctor Who? I mean, he doesn’t live in Whoville so I don’t think there is a co-conspiracy with The Grinch or anything like that…after all…all the gifts are being delivered as if Santa’s still been on the clock. So it must be someone who knows his way “around” time…the good Doctor! Sounds like a vital prescription he would fill for the world! Happy Holidays Paul to you, yours…and everyone who visits the Attic!

    • Bruce, you may be onto something there. Have you ever seen Peter Capadi with a white beard. Well neither have I. But all the more reason we should try giving photoshop a try. I think it’s just possible the good Doctor has been giving Norad a run for their money. And you know what else, the Tardis would make the perfect sleigh. Oh by the way, you were right about The Grinch not being involved in the hoax. The FBI cleared him. However, they’re still looking into Jack Frost. Seems his alibi didn’t hold up and he can’t account for his whereabouts during Christmas Eve and Christmas. Bruce, Merry Christmas to you and yours during this busy Holiday Season! :O)

  4. I did the wrapping earlier today…Or should I say the husband did the wrapping while commenting on the fact that once again I’m organizing the presents to get wrapped. Works like a charm every year. I think he might be catching on though (after 37 years of ‘I’m Organizing’) he asks why I never wrap anything?? That’s because I am organizing. Blessings to you this Christmas and Happy New Year ❤

  5. You know, I kind of think Rudolph is a little overrated, too. I mean, sure, he saved the day — once. But do we really have to relive his glory over and over? The novelty wore off just like the glean on his once-shiny nose.

    Merry Christmas, Paul! Here’s wishing you and yours a happy holiday season! 🙂

  6. I saw this coming for a long time, Paul. The whole Christmas enterprise just seemed doomed to failure to me. I could never see how Santa made any money from it.

    I was interested to read about your “caught in the chimney” incident. There was a similar incident in our household a couple of years ago, although it was less dramatic than yours and involved wrapping paper rather than chimneys.

    My kids were devastated to find out that Santa wasn’t actually the the miracle-working world-traveler they had originally thought and it was me doing most of the local legwork. They were less worried about losing the magic of Christmas than losing access to an annual source of expensive gifts. Once they were reassured that this was written into the contract when you sign up to be a parent and can’t be reneged on, they soon cheered up again.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year. 🙂

  7. Pingback: Spirit Animal Blog Award | Being ME !

    • Aayusi, thank you for the honor. Anytime my blog or writing has won praise or a nomination for an award has been a reason to celebrate. It means I’ve managed to touch someone with something I’ve wrote, and that makes me feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment. I never take that for granted, and it motivates me to try to do an even better job with the next post I publish. Thank you so much. :O)

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