The Weary Writer Returns To His Blog

So here we are in the midst of November—better known as National Novel Writing Month—or as some writers like to affectionately call it, Not me of course, I have yet to master the art of speaking URL fluently.

Yet, there may still be other writers out there who no longer speak of the challenge with love and affection. These might be writers who now sense that feverishly trying to produce a 50,000 word novel by 11:59 on Tuesday November 30th, may be a challenge unworthy of real affection.

However, maybe some of them are excelling in producing language that would make a sailor blush. Nah!

But, some of these fine folks may be stressing out over having to finish their unfinished novel on time at the expense of sleep, a Thanksgiving family dinner, and an existing income called… a job. And it’s all in the name of imagination, creativity, and maybe in some cases… wishful financial independence.

And yet, I wish I could claim to be counted among these wretched writers and their perceived folly to produce that 50,000 word novel in one months time. Why you ask?

Well, you may have noticed—those of you who frequent this weird, wild, and wacky blog of mine, better known as the poor unfortunate souls called my followers who have ACCIDENTALLY been sucked into this swirling vortex of a black hole in the blogging world—that there has been a void here since Halloween.

Not because I chose to attempt the 50,000 word masterpiece. Oh no, I truly wished I had. No, but because I had to go out of town and forage for real money. Oddly enough, for some strange reason that didn’t include me making money by writing in my blog. Which, as you may know, has still failed to put me on the Forbes 500 list.

But hey, I’m back from Los Angeles now and with a nasty head cold to prove it, which has left me in a fog. This has left me consuming large quantities of chicken noodle soup, NyQuil, and forcing my wife into singing to me, “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty ” all the while rubbing Vick’s vapor Rub on my chest. This in an effort to help me recover so that I might rejoin the human race.

Just ask, Sandi, or is it, Sarah, and Mike, or is it, George? She/they vaguely know all about it.

I suspect the cold was courtesy of the airlines and their lovely recycled air. But, I’m having little problem trying to prove that. So that big lawsuit I was planning to file against them? I guess it’s going to have to wait—at least until there’s a cure for the common cold.

I realize this revelation about my recent whereabouts comes as little more than back page news to the John Grisham’s and Mary Higgins Clark’s of the larger narcissistic blogging community—usually located somewhere near the center of the WordPress hurricane of attention.

You know, where Freshly Pressed is located.

But, that’s no doubt due to they’re being too self-absorbed with their own UNPAID writing on their own blogs—unlike you kind folks, who at least take time out of your busy schedule to read mine, and other friends blogs. Makes you wonder what compels those pompous writing windbags to ignore the rest of us, doesn’t it?

This could not possibly be because they erroneously believe that their own blogs feature superior writing to that of our own, surely not. Otherwise, they’d be admitting that they see us as less than serious writers, which would explain why they never come to visit our blogs.

funny-bathroom-artNaturally, such diluted reasoning would only lend itself to the idea, that they couldn’t possibly be bothered with looking at our blogs, as nothing more than exploits consisting of grocery list, love notes to our soul mates, and scribblers of fine graffiti on inner bathroom stalls.

Oh come on, where else would I write?

Anyway, it’s nice to be missed, and I’ve missed you all too. That’s why I’ve been slowly catching up on what you’ve all wrote, and not because of some failed attempt at writing a 50,000 page novel, or desperately trying to compose a Freshly Pressed Post because I see you as unworthy writers of my (currently) comatose attention.

No, I’ve just been sick and tired of having to go earn money, that’s all. A necessary evil, to be sure.


76 comments on “The Weary Writer Returns To His Blog

  1. …the larger narcissistic blogging community—usually located somewhere near the center of the WordPress hurricane of attention.

    A perfect description of Freshly Pressed. Thanks for my smile of the day. Hoping you feel better soon.

  2. Sorry to hear about the head cold! I was worried that might be the reason for the quiet! Money is something I hate to even think about it. It definitely makes me tired.

  3. Glad you’re back, Paul. I was going to send a search party out to area 51 since I know you have a tendency to hang out there with the gang on occasion..::)

  4. Poor Paul, and indeed your nose looks very red, better rub some Vicks on that as well or dip it in the soup whilst your at it. This post was excellent writing, just keep going and you will reach the 50.000 words and you can call it ” My Cluttered Red Nose Rant or the Pants that never got Freshly Pressed” ..Oprah cannot wait to put that on her list!!! Cheers and I am happy you are back again! Johanna

  5. You know, all that matters is you’re writing. And you do. I’ve never done the Nano thing, have had no desire, and maybe people need to do it because it gets them to write and that, without argument, I totally understand. Welcome back to the page 🙂

      • You would think, but there seems to be some mystical, unseen force that’s determined to keep the two things apart. It’s maniacal, sinister, wicked … and it mocks us all on Monday morning. 🙂

      • If you can pass a law that mandates million-dollar salaries for all humor writers, then your evil empire not be a bad place to live.

        Speaking of evil, we have all the political ads to look forward to in the coming months. Could life be more cruel?

      • Even as we speak, my evil minions are infiltrating congress, unbeknownst to them…like most everything else—bet that came as a revelation! Soon, I will be submitting new bills to be passed on behalf of humor writers everywhere. These will be unceremoniously passed, ushering in a new government of the humorist by a humorist, and for the humorist. As for those political ads, funny as they are for there implausibility? Well, it is the feeling of this new government, that no amount of improvement by us humorist could possibly improve on their already laugh-ability. Although the nauseating frequency at which they turn up on TV tends to reduce the laughs. So, we are thinking of adding a laugh track to every political ad that plays, in hopes that this will improve them—not that it’s needed in this particular case.

      • I’m sold — you’ve got my vote! It would be such a shame if those laugh tracks drowned out all the insincere gibberish the politicians spew in their ads.

      • We’ll do our best to not let the laugh-track blot out all that insincere comical writing politicians labor over for approximately 3 minutes. You know the one’s. Those gut-busters about how they’ll vaguely create more jobs with less government spending (after eliminating the middle-class and slashing anything to do with health care, education, and unemployment benefits for the nations poor, which will now include what used to be known as the middle-class), while still erasing the budget deficit (by eliminating jobs), but, while not raising taxes, particularly on the rich—wouldn’t want to disturb those humongous tax breaks for the wealthy (or alienate activist like the ARA), thus making them mad enough that they wouldn’t want to fund any politicians reelection campaign. 😀

  6. “Soft Kitty” is one of the finest songs ever penned and featuring it shows a sensibility above reproach. This is far from the black hole of the blogging world!!! It is a relaxing, welcoming locale that not only shows an afore-mentioned artistic side but speaks honestly and without reservation…especially plane reservations. I don’t fly for the very reason you likely took ill. Every time I used to take off in a plane by the time I landed I was off to the local ear, nose and throat specialist. Without getting into detail God did not build my sinus system to accept airline travel. However, neti pot nose rinsing changed my life and perhaps one day I will once again take flight. I hope you get better soon…indeed, we all need to be at full strength when those campaign commercials take flight.

    • You’re so right, Bruce. I dare say, no humorist wants to be caught operating as a half-wit, when there are politicians willing to afford us such wonderful material and at their own expense. Thank goodness politicians are willing to laugh at themselves because of their own bizarre antics. Where would we humorist be without them? THANK YOU POLITICIANS! And, I want you to know I’m getting better, and I won’t let you down—I promise to still throw you under the bus every chance I get this political season. 😀

  7. “Sick and tired of having to earn money…” Yes, I hear you! I feel much the same way. Still, needs must when the devil pays the piper and spoils the broth, as my old grandpappy used to mumble between swigs.

    I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve been suffering from a bad cold. Those are no fun, no fun at all. I am delighted, though, that rubbing that chicken soup into your chest has brought you back to us all again. It can get a bit dull without you around.

  8. You confused me so much, that I didn’t answer to Sandi for a while. I kept waiting to hear Sarah. That made blogging more difficult too… I had an identity crisis that could have only been initiated by Mr. Paul. (stop blaming LA and the airplane)

    I’m just fine living here with a horrendous drought and running out of water. The only way I can imagine you fixing this mess, send me water. That will help me remember who I am. Hydrate the brain so I’m not insane in the membrane.

    All those Nano writers… all I keep thinking is nanna-nanna-nan-nuh. Like a kid making fun of other kids, goofin’ on them for writing on purpose. Or Mork from Ork- Nanu-nanu. How can you take any of that seriously? Do all those participating read everyone else’s? 50,000 words… I can’t even read 1,000. I check out after 700, sometimes sooner.


  9. lolol, love your description of freshly pressed!!!

    Sorry about your cold, hope you feel better soon!! Also, considering you mentioned Sarah and Mike (my boyfriend’s name!) in this post I felt like you were talking to me! I had started to do they November writing thing, but after a wrote about 5 words on the first day I gave up…

    • Wow, you wrote five words? Gee…that’s one more than me, I wrote four. That’s when I ran for the dictionary. I don’t know why Dr. Seuss only gave us 26 letters to work with? Boy, your boyfriends first name is sure different, Sarah and Mike! I bet he wishes it was shorter. 😀

      • ahhh ok there is actually a story about me as a kid naming both of my fish “Samsally” instead of “Sam” and “Sally”! (Also I just called my bf “Sarahandmike, and he seemed ok with it. I think it was because he’s working and just trying to get me to stop talking, but now it’s totally going to stick.)

  10. Funnily enough I was having a conversation about colds and airplanes the other day, my friend swears that a glass of wine on said aircraft cuts out all that crap, well that’s his excuse and he’s sticking to it lol
    Be careful with that cold, cos if it doesn’t get you the snotters might, you know how sneaky they can be. In olden days they were known as sneaky little snotters, but the good bogies complained and it had to be changed to sneaky little rotters…and that’s where that saying came from…..erm…..believe it or not lol

    • LOL. I love it! That settles it. Who needs Oxford and Cambridge, when you can get a true English education right here online under, Professor Juls. I bet those two institutes of higher learning don’t teach that! 😀

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