Well I can. Hey friends, Paul here. Let me ask you something, how clean is your money? Does George Washington’s wig look like it’s in need of a dry cleaning; is the outside of the Capitol Rotunda in need of a scrub; or the White House like, covered with graffiti and autographs by people you don’t even know?
And what about all that change you carry around? Does Woodrow Wilson look like he was lying face down in a pile of dirt dating back to the Neolithic time period; and what about Abe Lincoln’s appearance, does he look like he hasn’t bothered to bathe in more than four score and seven years ago?
Yes my friends, I think it’s safe to say that you have dirty, filthy, money, and I’m here to take it off your hands. Just think of all the germs! But, with my new money laundering service, you’ll never again have to worry about ever having your bank account cleaned out, because I can do it for you.
No, no it’ll be my pleasure.
Recently I acquired a little laundromat. However, it wasn’t pulling in the kind cash I thought it would. Instead, people were bringing in their grungy, stinky, dirty clothes, and then washing them in my new machines. I didn’t mind it at first, but I felt I was only getting chump change in return on my investment.
Enter Pedro and Emiliano my new found friends and investors. One night they came in (from Columbia), and asked me if I’d be interested in operating a real money laundering service? I told them that I thought I was! They laughed, and then helped me replace bags of dirty clothes with sacks of cash.
And all tax free!
Well, I’m all for making a pretty penny, aren’t you? So, I said yes to their proposition and today my dryers are rolling in dough, and yours can be in there too. Granted, when their representatives first started bringing in cash for distribution to other countries, I assumed they wanted me to have it laundered first.
Whoa, big mistake! Santiago (that’s Pedro’s number two guy), he explained to me—you know, he carry’s a machete, showed me how sharp it was too by cutting Emiliano for not telling me he didn’t want the money washed—that they only wanted their money laundered through other countries, not my machines.
He did say, however, that if I wanted to wash my own cash in the machines—and that of my blogger friends—that that was fine with him and my fellow investors. They just want to use my laundromat as a front he said, for laundering their own cash through other countries.
Naturally I said that was fine, especially since they compensate me very well. You know, since I bought into their idea of letting them invest in my laundromat I have a new house, several new cars, a yacht in Monaco (you see that real big one in the photo, yep, its mine), and a flush bank account too—with plenty of clean money I might add. But best of all…
No more dirty clothes in my new washer and dryers.
So friends, let Pedro, Santiago (Emiliano’s untimely demise left room for a new partner), and myself, help clean your bank accounts out too. I promise they’ll be as clean as a whistle!
Incidentally, I’m not entirely sure about this, but I think Emiliano losing his head the way he did, might possibly have coined that phrase—clean as a whistle. But if any of you would like to look it up and get back to me, just to let me know for sure, I’d appreciate it.
You see, I’m a little busy pulling my cash out of the dryer right now, and I still have to wrap and stack it. Because, with Emiliano’s sudden departure, he left me with a big bloody mess, and now I have to rewash all that blood money.