God, Or No God—How To Tell If Someone Is A God Or Not

god

Have you ever noticed how in ancient times practically everyone was going around proclaiming themselves to be some sort of god. It all started with this kid named, Hermes, who eventually started calling himself a god.

hermes-greek-puzzle_vbcNo doubt this was partly due to his being teased a lot about his shoes—they had wings on them.

Now it’s a well known fact that this kid, Hermes (his name alone probably made him a prime candidate for being teased a lot) was also a bit of a mischief maker.

One day (and that’s all it took) he challenged this other kid named Icarus, from his Mythology class (whose dad had made him some fancy wings out of wax as a Halloween costume) to see if he could actually fly while wearing those wings.

This is all well documented. And if you doubt me, I can tell you that I read all about it in a book that once sat on the shelves in the great Library of Alexandria, which was destroyed by the Great Chicago Fire that subsequently spread throughout all of Egypt. How I came in possession of that copy is privileged information—I stole it.

It was in all the papers, but that’s a story for another time. Not the theft (there was a fine of .25 cents) the fire.

Anyway, it was lunchtime and pretty hot out when Icarus took flight. Well after a few minutes it appeared to everyone on the ground that Icarus was in trouble. An eyewitness, one Shirley Babcock—from Mrs. Michael’s seventh grade class—said she could hear Icarus screaming, “I’m falling, I’m falling and I can’t get up!” icarus

Long story short…Icarus didn’t make it out of the ER.

Eventually, other kids—who were friends of Icarus—decided to take matters into their own hands and started threatening to beat up Hermes after school.

Now Hermes, knowing these kids to be real knuckleheads and actually quite naive for their day, started telling them that he was a god, and that his dad was Zeus.

zeusBy the way, this Zeus guy, well he was a pretty important dude; knew all the town council, even quite a few of the merchants as well—many of whom were parents of some of those knuckleheads.

Once Hermes discovered that telling people he was a god would really make them stop and think twice, he decided to stay with it. Thus, they stopped giving him so much trouble.

It wasn’t until he started applying for Social Security (I guess Social Security tends to think more than twice), that Hermes realized the government wasn’t as gullible as most folks.

But, this didn’t stop people from trying to tell others, that they too were gods.

So, it wasn’t long before a system had to be devised by which people could tell whether someone was a god, or not. At first, it was quite primitive. If someone said they were a god, the skeptic would usually throw a spear at them.

If they bleed to death… they weren’t a god.

But, as time went by people became more sophisticated and they determined whether you were a god or not, by simply asking you a question.

They’d ask, “If your a god, tell me… do you go to the bathroom?” Now, if they answered yes the skeptic would immediately picture them sitting naked on a toilet seat, going number one or number two. This being a ridiculously position for one who had just claimed to be a god to be pictured in, usually meant some dire consequence was coming.

spearsOnly then would the skeptic throw a spear at the would be god. Sometimes… while the god was still sitting there doing their duty! This resulted in many a crime scene cleaner discovering the cleaning power of Bon Ami—and also that that person wasn’t a god.

Now, if it happened to be a woman declaring herself a goddess, and that question was put to her and she answered yes… well they might have made her Miss Universe. But, they didn’t, they just stoned her instead.

In the extreme cases, where the individual refused to let go of the silly notion that they were a god, they would often find themselves being followed around. Usually on a forced march into the desert, where the skeptics would watch to see if the would be god could survive without food or water.

After a few days, the skeptical observers were ponder the great mystery of your death—this they did while watching the buzzards picking your bones clean. The skeptics could often be heard muttering over the would be gods remains… “God… I was really hoping he’d be a god. Oh well.” Then they’d set off to find another god—or get more spear practice.buzzard

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29 comments on “God, Or No God—How To Tell If Someone Is A God Or Not

  1. Awesome post! …. Hermes and Icarus… I have always wondered how Icarus could be so naive to think he will make it through with a pair of fake wings, though!…
    As to the God´s characteristics… I´d say that it is all a matter of approach… I mean they also have flaws… Regardless,remember: If you can turn yourself into an animal or invisible veil of rain to make out with someone you like… Well, you are certainly a God/Goddess… No doubts! 😉 … Love and best wishes. Aquileana 😀

    • LOL and thank you Aquileana. All my preliminary studies suggest I may be getting close on the animal part of the transformation, but, the veil of rain thing really has me stumped. It could be… hours… before I discover how its done. Maybe even… days! So it’s a long ways off. ;D

  2. Oh boy. Now there will be a run on spears and spear throwing classes will be booked solidly through the year. There are way too many “Gods” and “Goddesses” strutting around the planet! ; )

    • You know it, Jan! Why I can’t even begin to tell you how I had a devil of a time trying to get enrolled in my Cornel Wilde “The Naked Prey” class for spear throwing. So I’ll just start in the middle of my response paragraph by saying; it might have only been because I refused to completely undress. After all, not everyone had the body of Cornel Wilde. I may have just lost my younger demographic with this answer. 😀

    • Oh yes indeed. In the early days of the forced marches into the desert, the god checker outers (or observers), were known to ride camels and drink bottles of Pierre water while walking fake gods out to their doom. Unfortunately, they were always bushwhacked on the way back by traveling Nomads who had (over the centuries) developed a taste for Pierre. Eventually, the god checker outers got wise though, and started carrying six packs of Dos Equis on those forced marches, because they had heard it was the drink of the most interesting man in the world. Nomads weren’t interesting at all, in fact they were downright dull—terrible conversationalist! So, as a result, the forced marches of fake gods into the desert has resumed.

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