Have you ever noticed how in ancient times practically everyone was going around proclaiming themselves to be some sort of god. It all started with this kid named, Hermes, who eventually started calling himself a god.
Now it’s a well known fact that this kid, Hermes (his name alone probably made him a prime candidate for being teased a lot) was also a bit of a mischief maker.
One day (and that’s all it took) he challenged this other kid named Icarus, from his Mythology class (whose dad had made him some fancy wings out of wax as a Halloween costume) to see if he could actually fly while wearing those wings.
This is all well documented. And if you doubt me, I can tell you that I read all about it in a book that once sat on the shelves in the great Library of Alexandria, which was destroyed by the Great Chicago Fire that subsequently spread throughout all of Egypt. How I came in possession of that copy is privileged information—I stole it.
It was in all the papers, but that’s a story for another time. Not the theft (there was a fine of .25 cents) the fire.
Anyway, it was lunchtime and pretty hot out when Icarus took flight. Well after a few minutes it appeared to everyone on the ground that Icarus was in trouble. An eyewitness, one Shirley Babcock—from Mrs. Michael’s seventh grade class—said she could hear Icarus screaming, “I’m falling, I’m falling and I can’t get up!”
Long story short…Icarus didn’t make it out of the ER.
Eventually, other kids—who were friends of Icarus—decided to take matters into their own hands and started threatening to beat up Hermes after school.
Now Hermes, knowing these kids to be real knuckleheads and actually quite naive for their day, started telling them that he was a god, and that his dad was Zeus.
Once Hermes discovered that telling people he was a god would really make them stop and think twice, he decided to stay with it. Thus, they stopped giving him so much trouble.
It wasn’t until he started applying for Social Security (I guess Social Security tends to think more than twice), that Hermes realized the government wasn’t as gullible as most folks.
But, this didn’t stop people from trying to tell others, that they too were gods.
So, it wasn’t long before a system had to be devised by which people could tell whether someone was a god, or not. At first, it was quite primitive. If someone said they were a god, the skeptic would usually throw a spear at them.
If they bleed to death… they weren’t a god.
But, as time went by people became more sophisticated and they determined whether you were a god or not, by simply asking you a question.
They’d ask, “If your a god, tell me… do you go to the bathroom?” Now, if they answered yes the skeptic would immediately picture them sitting naked on a toilet seat, going number one or number two. This being a ridiculously position for one who had just claimed to be a god to be pictured in, usually meant some dire consequence was coming.
Only then would the skeptic throw a spear at the would be god. Sometimes… while the god was still sitting there doing their duty! This resulted in many a crime scene cleaner discovering the cleaning power of Bon Ami—and also that that person wasn’t a god.
Now, if it happened to be a woman declaring herself a goddess, and that question was put to her and she answered yes… well they might have made her Miss Universe. But, they didn’t, they just stoned her instead.
In the extreme cases, where the individual refused to let go of the silly notion that they were a god, they would often find themselves being followed around. Usually on a forced march into the desert, where the skeptics would watch to see if the would be god could survive without food or water.
After a few days, the skeptical observers were ponder the great mystery of your death—this they did while watching the buzzards picking your bones clean. The skeptics could often be heard muttering over the would be gods remains… “God… I was really hoping he’d be a god. Oh well.” Then they’d set off to find another god—or get more spear practice.