Spontaneous Human Combustion And Other Mysterious Dark Arts

Burning Man Black Rock, Nevada

Burning Man Black Rock, Nevada

Let’s say you’re a semi-professional—don’t try this at home—humor blog writer. Your talent for milking belly laughs out of your readers is without question—despicable. And although its been a week since you last wrote a post, your readers understand—great material takes time.

In any case, they’ve always figured it would be light years before great material like that ever came from the likes of someone like you. Mind you, none of this has anything to do with me.

crowdBut let’s just say for the sake of argument, you were that hack, and imagine you had caught wind of a gathering of people (better than 60,000), and you knew that they were quickly descending on a place out in the middle of nowhere. You’d want to write a post about that, wouldn’t you? I mean, that would be big news, right?  city

Okay, you want more incredible? Well, how about they’re coming to see an event of Spontaneous Human Combustion, with the expectation of spending an entire week in a city… THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!

How’s your curiosity now, huh?

Naturally, being a writer with higher standards, I dismissed the whole ridiculous fantasy as something you might hear coming out of the mouth of Kanye West at a MTV Video Music Awards show. Though I must confess, Kanye West sounds almost as convincing as Donald Trump.

folksBut the more I thought about it, I mean… the more the hack thought about it, the more intriguing the whole idea became to me, uh… him.

I, or rather…he, began to wonder, after all I’m nobody’s fool (except maybe my wife’s), could there truly be a hoard of torch carrying pyromaniacs—not seen since those make believe townsfolk chased Frankenstein’s monster off the old Universal Studio back lot—racing into the desert around the Black Rock area?

And could they really be bearing down on the playa north of Reno, Nevada with the intent to commit strange, odd, and curious looking art, not of this world? Well you have to admit, it kind of looks carnivaleotherworldly.

black rock cityAnd what if the ghostly Black Rock City, actually did materialize only to be wiped clean one week later by a desert sand storm, and vanish without a trace for a year—as legend says? Makes you wonder if the town council of this Brigadoon like city, isn’t involved in some sort of cover-up, doesn’t it?

And lastly, what about that chance to witness a real case of Spontaneous Human Combustion? Oh… that would be exciting! Uh… not for me of course, but for that hack. Yeah, the hack…he thought it would be exciting.  Burning-Man-Last-Day-Night (1003 of 1120)-2-X3

But, it was all not to be.

Yes my, I mean… the hack’s research, confirmed all of my, I mean his worst fears. Thus, should I,  or he, go to this years “Burning Man” event I, I mean… he, would not get to witness a real human torch spontaneously going up in flames all on his own. Gee what a gyp!

I mean, the hack thought it would be a gyp.

fireBut parish the thought, including the poor devil who might have volunteered to do the crazy stunt in the first place. Yep, no real “Burning Man.” Instead, they (the pyro’s) intend to construct and burn a human made completely out of wood.

Fortunately, Pinocchio declined the chance to be their Master of Ceremonies for this year, or any other year for that matter.

Imagine the ramifications if he hadn’t. You can’t tell me there wasn’t someone pulling a lot strings behind the scenes trying to keep that from happening.

The_Wicker_Man-350726674-largeThere’s not even a hint of the movie “The Wicker Man”  either. Neither version, although I’m sure that will come as a relief to actor Nicolas Cage, should he decide to attend.

And that’s not all the hack learned. He went so far as to find out that in the past, some artists have constructed animals out of wood, just so they would have an excuse to strike a match.

trojan_horseAll I can say is, I just hope the Greek contingent visiting this year’s “Burning Man” event know what they’re getting themselves into. I mean, I sure hope they haven’t built a Trojan Horse as their exhibit for this year.

Otherwise, beware Trojans asking… “Got a match?” burning


20 comments on “Spontaneous Human Combustion And Other Mysterious Dark Arts

    • Yes, I think your right on that score, Scott, and I can’t agree more. Think about it for a minute. Now I concede that a Ice Man Cometh event might strike one as almost an apocalyptic sounding event, but once you get past that pronouncement, all you seem to have left is this incredibly melting man in the middle of the desert. Hardly inspires a sense of awe and wonder. And as for a Water Man event in the middle of the desert, after everyone’s quenched their thirst from him, and he’s finally been consumed by all, all that remains is this small puddle. And Puddle Man simply wouldn’t do. So it seems Burning Man was the only man for the job, and the only man who didn’t sound too wimpy. :@)

  1. I’m struggling to understand why people would spend time making a masterpiece only to burn it. I, of course, would want it exhibited in middle of a real (not imaginary) city and admired by all. I might even charge admission. I hope your friend the hack had a good time.

    • We’ll know for sure only after next weekend ends, and I, darn-it… I mean him…you know…the hack, finally make my, his, way out of the desert. I only hope I, he, brought a big enough bottle of Calistoga water. But, there’s only 6 days to go until the burning, not counting today. And now they’re telling us there’s not enough life boats for the women and children! Wait, oh that was a mirage. I’m okay…really he’s going to be just fine. 😀

  2. I’m up here in Reno – tomorrow they’re warning of high winds which should make the festival a bit uncomfortable. I don’t quite understand the event (fire is not my thing) but I understand some of the displays are incredible.

    • Jan, they’re like out of this world. Which is a good thing, because we’re not all that far from Area 51, and the aliens should arrive before the burning takes place this weekend. I’m okay, its just a little heatstroke. 😀

  3. I don’t know. I’ve been a human for nearly 3 decades and never, not once, caught myself on fire. Fish? Yes. Bookshelf? Of course. But myself? Never!

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