Honey, We Need To Talk


If you watch daytime programming or any kind of retro television, you may be acquainted with an AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance Plan ad. There’s this older couple, they’re in a car (he’s driving), when suddenly out of the blue the wife (who is in the passenger side of the vehicle) say’s to her husband…

“Honey, we need to talk.”

He responds with “We do? I took out the trash.” and she retorts “I know, and thank you so much for doing that.”

I’d say things were rolling along quite nicely, wouldn’t you? Oh, a little syrupy perhaps, but then my wife probably would have responded more like…

“Sure you did, just like last week and the week before that and the week before that. Each time I reminded you the night before, and you still forgot to take the trash out. Forcing me to get up and rush out in my slippers and robe, only to be ogled at by old man Mitchell—the pervert next door—all because I got locked out of the house on account of your forgetting to take out the trash the night before!”  the robe

“Never mind that, though, that’s not the point I was trying to make.”

But, now that I think about it, she might be right. Mitchell does kind of ogle? Why last month, he did the same thing to me (ogle me that is) when my wife locked me out of the house, and in my underwear—and on purpose!

Its nothing, though, just a little game my wife likes to play—when she gets mad at me—for accidentally locking her out of the house.

Besides, he only stared at me for ten minutes—without blinking! Nah… what a ridiculous thought!

Now where was I? Oh yeah, the commercial. So anyway when the wife (by the way…that’s any wife) starts a conversation with, “Honey, we need to talk.” You can bet it’s not likely going to be about some Medicare Supplement Insurance Plan. I can tell you that. No siree!

No, now that she’s got you trapped in that speeding car (yes, you’re accelerating, any man would after a statement like that), she probably wants to know how lipstick got on your collar. In fact, you’re probably wanting to know how it got there too? That’s still not the point I wanted to make.

But, now that I think about it, I’m having some terrible thoughts.

toasterWhat if I’m in a bathtub full of water and my wife walks in (a devious smile across her face), and with a toaster that’s plugged in!

And what if she decides to make that statement then?

“Honey, we need to talk.”

All I see is lights flashing on and off throughout the house.

Or, maybe, I have the car jacked up and I’m working underneath doing a repair job, when suddenly I see my wife’s high heels and she’s standing next to the car-jack saying,

“Honey, we need to talk.”

I have this horrible image of the car coming down on me—and boy is it ever heavy, because it’s not a VW bug!

Worse, I see myself hanging from my tool belt over the edge of the gutters while cleaning them out. Suddenly, my wife appears (smiling) standing on the roof above me, and she’s holding an extra sharp pair of pruning shears saying…

“Honey, we need to talk.” Clip, clip!

Uh… those are just crazy thoughts. I shouldn’t be trying to do a post anyway as I’m suppose to be figuring out why the pilot light’s out on our oven and I promised my wife I would get it done today.

She’ll be very disappointed if she finds me writing a post instead. Boy it sure smells like gas in here? Oh wait a minute, there’s my wife. This won’t take but a second and I’ll finish my thought.

“Oh, Hi honey! What’s that? We need to talk? Talk about what? Why are you standing outside the house with that lighter?”  boom


31 comments on “Honey, We Need To Talk

    • And all this time I thought it was a toaster. Just goes to prove how an electric shock can play with your mind. No wonder I can never remember anything my wife tells me to do. Thanks Howard for pointing that out. :@)

  1. Lol…though others may offer other alternatives or forms of logic, my best advice to you would be to not do any chores around the house that place you in vulnerable situations. If course, the easiest thing would be to not irritate said wife but since that doesn’t seem to be likely option, given what we know, I suggest some form of body armor should you decide to venture out of your comfort zone. You might also want to double up on that area where the clippers, your wife and a Rabbi in training might meet. Just saying…

  2. I thought the commercial was unrealistic the first time I saw it but I didn’t have any of those other scenarios in mind. Some sound pretty damn good. Now where are my clippers?

  3. The “we have to talk” intro generally leads to something other than supplemental insurance in our house as well! Generally not a gas explosion though you never know.

    • I fear I may have planted the seeds of dastardly ideas into the minds of wives the world over. I may be public enemy number one on the list of husbands everywhere! Jan, you wouldn’t happen to own an uninhabited island somewhere where I could hide, would you? 😀

    • LOL So glad to hear that your husband is back on the straight and narrow now, Johanna. It seems so many of us husbands had lost our way. Fortunately my wife was able to make an impact on me too (that frying across the head probably helped), and I’m now doing my share of the work again (and then some). Plus, I am now doing her share too—AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT TOO HONEY!—thus eliminating the need for the “Honey, we need to talk” heart to heart that used to be necessary—before the frying pan. 😀

      • Not to worry Sarah, the check is in the mail. (whispering) Medicare told me to tell you, consider it a gift—from them! Keep this under your hat though, its really coming from me, however, I’m not supposed to tell you that part. Again…its coming from them—wink, wink. 😀

    • Scott, isn’t it amazing the power of our wives wanting to have the “Honey we need to talk.” conversation? I find I get so much more done around the house now—AND I”M LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT TOO, DUMPLING! In fact, I”m almost certain I’ll be FORCED… I mean wanting, to sign up for that Medicare Supplemental Insurance Plan any day now. She calls it the power of the “Honey, we need to talk.” conversation. Personally (now whispering) just between you and me, Scott, I think it was the lighter thrown into the gas filled house effect that had the biggest impact on my change of attitude. “What’s that sweetie? Oh nothing, I was just talking to myself!” I better go, Scott. My wife is ordering (I mean asking) me to go clean the bathrooms—or else! But hey…I’m looking forward to it. “Coming honey!” 😀

  4. I love it! You bring the funny back into my life. I can hear my Uncle Sunny…explaining to his grandson how surfing began ….the crew stood on the boards of a ship that was wrecked while at sea. As they approached land… they caught the wave… and had such a good time decided to do it again… thus surfing was first born.Laughing is an amazing healer of many of lifes ups and downs.

  5. After reading your take on the commercial I forgot what the commercial was about. When you first started out I thought “yeah, I like his version because it’s far more realistic.” Boy was I in for a surprise. I lost it when you referenced the bath, car, and gutter scenes. Are we a wee bit paranoid perhaps?? But you certainly have just cause for it because I don’t think there’s a man on the planet who doesn’t get a little nervous with the “we have to talk” converstaion. I so enjoyed this!! 🙂

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