Oh…You’re Going To Love This ‘Cause I Said So


When we were young, we all sought to be something special when we grew up. But ask yourself this; did we grow up to be that something special we thought we we’re going to be?

Firemen, doctors, nurses, and astronauts? doctor

Did you say, “When I grow up, I’m going to be an assembly line worker? No, of course not. Or how about when you were asked “What career will you choose for yourself? And you responded with “I’m going to flip hamburgers at a fast food joint for the rest of my life.” Amnesia?

Well somebody has to do those jobs, how else do you explain my ever expanding waistline?

I remember when I was first asked what I was going to be when I grew up, and at that particular moment sugar plum fairies were dancing around in my head (I was fast asleep at my desk. Whad’ya expect?).

Hey… I was just resting up for a big spelling test to come later in the day, when out of the blue my first grade teacher asked that famous question…

“Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I was so startled to see her waving her finger at me that I instantly replied, “My name is Paul, you sent Johnny to the office earlier for sleeping at his desk, and someday I’m going to be a programming executive for a big name television network!

Gasp, and thud! Boy, talk about hitting a floor hard. Well its her own fault, she was overweight anyway. The heavier they are, the harder they fall.

Mrs. Field was sent to intensive care… where she still resides today. There she sits in her bed, quietly grading papers well into the night, and under intense observation by armed guard (on my payroll)—just in case she ever decides to have second thoughts about altering my spelling test grade from the now A+ to her judgemental F-.

I must say, I was ahead of my time during those years of the coat-hanger resting on top of a television.

tvBut one day, the coat-hanger evolved into a pair of rabbit ears. So naturally, my hand was required to rest on one end of the antenna at all times. Lest my dad lost the picture on the screen, due to fuzz, and in turn the football game he was watching.

In the years since, the blood returned to my arm and I regained most of the use of my fingers. This was fortuitous, otherwise I’d never have been able to switch channels manually.

My doctor (being a visionary) said the paralyses would go away in time for cable television.

As predicted, eventually fiber-optic cable came to rule the day, and most of our income too. But clear TV was out of the question. There are some things a man should not have to do without. Live sporting events for one, and the remote, “Honey, I need another beer… chop, chop!

Whad’ya doing with that big frying pan?”


Wow… just went by just like that! (SNAP!)

Where was I? Oh yes…

In the old days (1966 B.C.) before cable, the network voice-over guy would announce the name of a particular show—this was in spite of the fact that the title was already spelled out for you on the screen (I can only assume this was because I failed that spelling test in Mrs. Fields class, and was now… unable to read).

A male voice would intone, “Bewitched,” “Time Tunnel,” or especially, “Batman…In Color!” Oohs and ahhs would ring throughout the house, even though we only had a black and white television. Later, RCA Victor rectified that little problem, saving us all from a world without color. in color

Before that, I vaguely remember my blood being all black.

I’m an excellent programming director without a network. I’d sit and write my own series creations, complete with title, and synopsis. Here are a few…

“Dancing with the Star” With your host, Elvis Presley. Elvis would have given the winning dancer a free Cadillac. Who wouldn’t have wanted that from the King of Rock and Roll.

Too Oprah?

Okay, its about time that the western genre made a return to television.

Here’s one, “Tan Hide… In Color” Tonight, Tan rides into town and after a few drinks in a saloon, kisses the town drunk by mistake. He then puts a saddle on what he believes to be his horse (but is actually, the town Marshal) and climbs aboard yelling “giddyup!” Now the town wants to hang Tan as a horse thief. The Marshall, just wants to hang him! (30 min).

You want cops? How about, “John Smith, The Normal Cop” Donuts have been disappearing by the dozens all over  Everytown, USA… population 12. John decides to go undercover and nab the culprit. No one suspects a thing until John sits down and eats a whole dozen of Krispy Kremes, while drinking a fine cup of Jo over at Emma’s Emporium. (30 min).

Alright, you want medical drama? My network has that too.

“Peruvian Jungle Zombie M.D.” In the series opener, doctor Hector Enrique Alonzo Fernandez becomes a certifiable zombie surgeon. However, the last thing he expected was being called on to save the life of a young transvestite (let alone anyone) wondering the Peruvian Jungle. (60min).

Eat your heart out NBC executives. You turned down these show ideas for another rehash of Heroes? No wonder you guys are last in the ratings.


50 comments on “Oh…You’re Going To Love This ‘Cause I Said So

  1. I stopped watching tv long time ago…since there is too much silliness of the humorless kind and too much commercials my brain can digest, on it. But your network…I might consider watching! Cheers, Johanna

  2. You’re nuts, you know that? Makes for great reading, though… Whatcha gonna come up with when it’s Sweeps season?

    • If only my mother had thought of that. Unfortunately she let my dad experiment with the tubes in the back of the TV, which made the picture smaller. At least he didn’t use a hammer (standard repair tool for a lot of men).

  3. I didn’t think it was possible to come up with a sillier concept for a television show than Honey BooBoo but you proved me wrong! Zombie MD and Normal Cop !! Brilliant.

  4. Boy you must be old because only an old guy can go back that far in television history..:) Dancing With The Star and Tan Hide are classics. You really had to hold the antenna? No aluminum foil? You have to get away from pitching this stuff to the main networks. HBO will gravitate to your mind. Confusion is all part of the process here, sort of like the True Detective series. I’m telling you…call HBO. But you have to promise, even if you hit the big time, your blog must go on. You can’t forget us little guys.

    • I love the little people, but you have to remember, George, I’m Irish! I’m particularly fond of “Tan Hide” I want it to anchor my Thursday night lineup so that we can take on CBS, and with a Big Bang! Yes, I did hold the antenna, but with the aluminum foil firmly planted on my head at all times. It got a little embarrassing when I had to wear it to school, in the shower, and when I went to the public pool. I’m thinking about your suggestion of going to HBO, but I want Kevin Spacey to play Tan, complete with GIANT ten gallon hat, and white furry chaps. Initially we wanted a rugged John Wayne look, but the Duke is gone, Kevin has that laconic look no matter what he wears.

      • Levin is a great choice for Tan. He’s the perfect choose to deliver your lines. My guess is you still have that rolled up aluminum foil somewhere…just in case?

  5. I once had an idea for a reality show that would portray the highlights of my life, but the concept of a show about nothing was already taken.

  6. What if Tan were played by a girl instead? Could I play her? It sounds like it could be fun!
    There was a short time in my childhood where I thought I could control the wind, and actually told my teacher I wanted to be a wind god when I grew up… Hilarious post as usual! 😀

    • I’m so sorry Jay. These days the big cable companies wait for us to pay them to broadcast our channels. Given my recent bout of tightwaddyness, I’ve found it difficult to fork over the money to this billionaire companies. Maybe they will create a drug to help me overcome this illness, but don’t hold your breath.

  7. Those guys at NBC don’t know what they’re talking about. I once started writing a pilot about a doctor with a broken watch that didn’t know it was broken so he kept calling it wrong. It was called Time of Death.

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