Maybe, Only Your Mortician Knows For Sure


“Does she or doesn’t she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.” If you remember this very famous slogan by Clairol for their hair ads, you may be close to meeting your mortician.

I was recently reading where Marilyn Monroe’s mortician has just released a new tell all book, where he dishes the dirt, not only on Marilyn Monroe’s body, but other dead celebrities bodies, and the sorry state they were in after their demise.

Basically, he goes on record as saying, it’s not a pretty picture. And that got me thinking (oh, if only that’s all it took), that maybe, it’s their mortician who really knows for sure? And that’s when my brain had a morbidly profound thought.

Do I really want my mortician to see my body just after I’ve had the worst day of my life?

I can think of a few days that might have worked out better for me. For example; how about that day when I was told by my fitness coach, that I had the body of a twenty-four year old in training for the Olympic Decathlon. Although, he is something of a known liar… at least he got my age right.

swimmingThen there was the time I swam across the English Channel… IN MY MIND. The coroner might have been pleased with what would have awaited him on that cold slab of metal on that particular day. Lets face it, those of you who know me, wouldn’t blame him if he just said “Yuck, this guys mind was such a mess” had he got me on a day of one of my posts?

But back to being unprepared to meet your mortician on that day.

Remember your mother telling you to be sure to put clean underwear on before heading out, “Son, what if you have an accident?” I used to think, just one day I’d like to respond to my mom,saying “What if I die mom? I seriously doubt if the coroner would be concerned if I had an old pair of Fruit of the Looms on.”

I know I wouldn’t.

Right now, some of you are thinking “If I were dead right now, I would just die if the coroner saw me like this!” And a couple of you were wondering and don’t deny it, because its the naked truth, “Here I am heading to the mortuary—and I haven’t a thing to wear.” Yeah—we were wondering about that one too.

But, we don’t have time to dwell on your sex life, or where you were found when it happened. Well, not right this minute, but you can bet there will be plenty of speculation going on after we’re done here, I can tell you that.

hair dyeOther questions of note; Did I dye my hair this morning; brush my teeth (god forbid if I forgot to floss again—wouldn’t you know it, and today of all days!); Darn, I didn’t weigh myself. Did I finally lose that nagging 46 pounds; what kind of damage did my poor body suffer at death; and… did I even have a body left?

Uh-huh… I think we can all agree, that in the end if we haven’t been thinking ahead and preparing for that day… only are mortician really knows for sure.

And if your anything like me; you’re probably hoping… that he isn’t planning on writing a best seller.


40 comments on “Maybe, Only Your Mortician Knows For Sure

  1. I’m with Jodi. No embalming for me, so no mortician’s needs! (And no tell-all book!) Pop me in the oven and toast me to cinders… overgrown roots, extra fat and unshaved legs! 😉

    • Allan Abbott wrote the book, and I think he was the funeral director. But the article I read never gave the title of the new book. Yes, that was strange. But, I did go find the title of the book elsewhere. It’s called “Pardon My Hearse” and it’s available on Amazon June the 15th.

    • What a great idea snoozing. By staying in contact with my mortician, perhaps he could slip me a few suggestions about where most of us go wrong when it comes to our big day. Maybe then, I can avoid a few of those pitfalls. 😀

  2. I once apologized for my prickly legs when I was lying in bed in the ER. The doc laughed it off and reassured me that I was 1000x better than some of the homeless junkies she had had come through for treatment. After that, I realized they are much more focused on getting the job done than the appearance of their patient!

      • Wow… I see you got, not only my check, but the other two Paul’s checks as well! FYI, my check is like my money… only it doesn’t have my picture on it. Paul from “The Captain’s Speech” well, his check will probably bounce, but its not his fault, he buys too much pizza, and the other Paul (I don’t know him yet), I’ll just have to go read his posts and see if he is worth extorting money from too.This was ever so much more praise than I ever expected for a $1.25 check. Expect another .50 cent check in the mail any day now. But seriously, thank you very much for all the kind comments. Please know that I will continue to do my very best to illicit even higher platitudes from you in the future, and that Paul, Paul, AND PAUL are not ambulance chasers, but we could be if anyone wanted to pay us for the laughs. :O)

  3. Haha this is great! And I remember that only her hairdresser knows for sure commercial well. But not as much thank you for the visual of how awful I’ll look to the mortician (which just autocorrected to “politician” lol-ironic), not even counting the how I died part. We were burgled one time, and when the police came, the first thing I thought was that my place wasn’t clean enough. So I understand why my mom said to wear clean underwear😃

    • LOL Sounds like you can relate like the rest of us… okay Barb, your in! That was probably not real reassuring though, huh? Oh well, Barb, I noticed you decided to follow my blog and this is as good a time as any to say thank you. Thank goodness you didn’t talk to any of my other followers first, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have made such a foolish mistake. Nevertheless, I’m grateful that you decided to throw caution to the wind. I promise to do my best to make you laugh some more, but I am prone to exaggeration on occasion. ;o)

  4. Who thinks of this kind if stuff?…:) you know, this whole post can be turned into a book. The movie, of course would follow and then when you. Would be one famous at which point the sequel would be about you. Not for a lot of years, of course but you would be that person, like Marilyn, who continues to ressurests themselves through generations. And to think, it all started with a creatively bizarre mind and a computer.

    • All I can say is, thank you for all the great praise, George. However, you’re probably not going to believe this… but I can’t take all the credit. No, you see, once I made my escape from this place they call… “an institution” that’s when things got a little strange. I went to a Motel 6, you know—that’s the place where they leave the light on for you. Well can you believe it… they actually did! And after I climbed through this open window, I experienced the most amazing thing. There, standing in this bathroom, was this guy, and he was staring right at me, really… no kidding. And every time I would make a move or say anything, this guy would make the exact same moves, and say the exact same things! You know, he could have actually passed for being me! Well let me tell you… this guy had the most creative mind. And here, all I was ever expecting to do… was just meet Tom Bodett. Anyway, that’s who thinks of this stuff… I just write it! But, I still love getting the credit for it. So, thanks George. ;o)

  5. Since I’m not even the least bit famous, I don’t have to worry about ending up in a mortician tell-all book. As long as I can keep being a nobody, I can die in any shape.

    • Thank you Sunesiss. I truly appreciate the kind words, and I am very thrilled to hear that were hooked on my writing. However, please forgive me for using the real fish hooks in my attempt to get you to read my recent post. Instead, I promise to try more metaphorical hooks in the future. I am delighted to have you as a reader. :O)

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