Have You Had An Out Of Body Experience?

out of body

Have you ever had an out of body experience? Well I am having one right now, and it’s totally by design. At this very minute, I am looking over your shoulder as you read this post. Don’t be alarmed!

There is no point in you looking back over your shoulder, my body isn’t there. That’s because it’s currently at the physical therapists office getting treatments. More about that later.

You are participating in a experiment (although you didn’t realize it) being conducted by myself, and for the Out of Body Experience Research Foundation, better known as (OBERF). But they don’t know about it either.

Astral ProjectionI am trying out my new Astral Projection capabilities by allowing my invisible soul to conduct the experiment, while my body is getting a well deserved rest. Again, more about that later.

You have been selected as my guinea pig—because I like you.

Oh alright, truth be told, you just happened to be available. But don’t let that worry you though, you’ll still be allowed to run on the wheel (you call it a treadmill) all you want, after the experiment is over. You’ll be your old self in no time. pig on wheel

And, all the collected data from my findings—except for the really juicy stuff—will be turned over to (OBERF) at some later date—maybe.

Of course, this rare ability of mine has not come without some consequences. Before I was able to harness my powers of separation between body and soul, there was the infamous after school beating I took from my arch enemy, Gary Hall. Normally, I would have thrashed him but for his gang of 50 bullies.

Yes, it took 51 of them to take me out that day.

Over time though, I started to realize I could use Astral Projection to leave my body, especially in times of beatings. Months later, when I was again cornered by Gary and his minions of evil, I was able to leave my body, just before it was pummeled and left in the fetal position.

evil minionsHowever, I may have made a mistake by allowing my inner self (once it removed itself from my body) to yell to the bullies, “Go ahead, knock yourself out dummies!” My body still hasn’t forgiven me that one.

Over time, I’ve have learned that letting my inner self taunt neanderthals is probably not a good idea. But accidents will happen, like last week when I was jaywalking. At the last second, my inner self caught sight of a car coming.

Well, my soul quickly evacuated and in the nick of time—my body wasn’t so lucky… again. Thus, ongoing treatments to my body at the physical therapist office.

But enough about me, lets talk about you.

I’ve been studying you folks, and I have taken note of a few of your out of body experiences. And it is my opinion that harnessing your Astral Projection capabilities can’t help but improve your life.

For you men, your inner self is using only 30 seconds for foreplay and only 3 minutes for sex before exiting your body to sleep. Gentlemen, that’s not going to cut it.

PeopleAnd ladies, I’ve caught your inner self exiting your body during the act of love-making, and then finding your People magazine with Chris Hemsworth on the cover. What is that all about, huh?

And can we talk bathroom etiquette for a moment. Men, watch that toilet seat!

While your body does what it must, your inner self exits sooner than that in order to get back to the game, forgetting to put the seat back down. So watch that toilet seat, buddy.

Not literally you fool!

And I’ve been watching you ladies too. What’s with your body leaving a nearly empty spool of toilet paper for the guy that follows you, while your inner self is sitting up in bed reading 50 Shades of Grey?

Oh, by the way ladies, just ignore that hot breath you think you might be feeling on the back of your neck while you’re taking a shower. As far as you know, its probably just an open window.

Well I better be going now, my inner self has to get back to the therapists office before my body finds itself in a full body cast. bodycastIt’s lost without me.


48 comments on “Have You Had An Out Of Body Experience?

  1. If my body stays home sick, does my soul still have to go to the office? Because they didn’t cover that scenario in new-employee orientation.

    • Now this is a conundrum. How would they know whether your soul is there, or not, since your soul is invisible? Although, there is the issue of productivity, Although I have not seen your soul in action, I’d be willing to bet that your soul is a super productive one. Well, since we have exposed this deficiency in your company, I bet this issue makes the cover of Time magazine next week! Won’t hurt my blog stats either.

  2. Well, in the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that my soul and body are equally lazy. And if neither shows for work, productivity is bound to triple.

    • It was my body that was at the physical therapist office, but my inner self got back late, and because my body was not responsive they assumed I was dead. So I (that’s my inner self) am on my way to the morgue to claim my body. Now, as for my mind… we’re both currently out of my mind… but that’s only until we get back from the morgue. :O)

  3. Thank goodness I came to visit. Just what I needed to crack a smile, and then roll on the floor again.
    But I laughed even harder when I saw the tag FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. Talk about trying to funnel viewers. Can’t recall if SEX was there, too.
    Paul, you are so funny that I tweeted your blog. May get me new followers. Except that I forgot to add the tag you did.
    😀 😀 ;-D

    • I am so deliriously happy to have you back in my clutter Dorothy. Feel free to borrow any tag you like, especially my 50 Shades tag its my gift to you… only $19.99 plus shipping and handling. Oh goodness, I have no shame! 😀

      • Okay. Sounds like a deal.
        I’ll lend David to you. No charge. Fig leaf is $19.99. You’ll have to do all the shipping and handling of the statue by yourself, though.

      • Oh there’s always a catch with these WordPress Ads. However, I do think David would make a nice addition to my front yard sculpture collection. I think the fig leaf offers a nice touch. :O)

  4. I was always fascinated by out-of-body experiences as a kid, but then I saw a horror-movie-host do a bit where he deliberately separated his body from his ‘mind’, and the sketch ended with him not able to get any traction between his mind and body again, and that just spooked me off the idea. Honest.

    • I’m curious Joseph, was that Bob Wilkins of Creature Features? Sounds like something he’d do. Yet, in light of recent irresponsible actions by my inner self, I fear my body is in line for much the same fate… very soon.

  5. I just have to say- this whole “out of body” experience, I just watched a thriller show on Netflix last night and basically this guy sees his mom murdered when he was 15 and figured out he could breathe life back into those that died. Except he becomes this ritual killer and then breathes life back into them (so he drugs them, sleeps with them, and then kills them, then breathes life back into them and they are left scratching their heads wondering what happened) and then kills them again, over-n-over. So basically, the girls would have these “NIGHT TERRORS” where they gasp awake, but they can’t recall their dreams. And he’s busy impregnating them, etc. Creepy movie… so the whole “out of body” experience reminds me when these girls would gasp awake. It’s called Come back to me http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2551396/

  6. Paul, I loved this post!
    I ddn’t really know something like Astral Projection existed. Thanks for this one dude!
    You rock.. And hey, take back your soul from my living room now 😛

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