Have you ever had an out of body experience? Well I am having one right now, and it’s totally by design. At this very minute, I am looking over your shoulder as you read this post. Don’t be alarmed!
There is no point in you looking back over your shoulder, my body isn’t there. That’s because it’s currently at the physical therapists office getting treatments. More about that later.
You are participating in a experiment (although you didn’t realize it) being conducted by myself, and for the Out of Body Experience Research Foundation, better known as (OBERF). But they don’t know about it either.
You have been selected as my guinea pig—because I like you.
Oh alright, truth be told, you just happened to be available. But don’t let that worry you though, you’ll still be allowed to run on the wheel (you call it a treadmill) all you want, after the experiment is over. You’ll be your old self in no time.
And, all the collected data from my findings—except for the really juicy stuff—will be turned over to (OBERF) at some later date—maybe.
Of course, this rare ability of mine has not come without some consequences. Before I was able to harness my powers of separation between body and soul, there was the infamous after school beating I took from my arch enemy, Gary Hall. Normally, I would have thrashed him but for his gang of 50 bullies.
Yes, it took 51 of them to take me out that day.
Over time though, I started to realize I could use Astral Projection to leave my body, especially in times of beatings. Months later, when I was again cornered by Gary and his minions of evil, I was able to leave my body, just before it was pummeled and left in the fetal position.
However, I may have made a mistake by allowing my inner self (once it removed itself from my body) to yell to the bullies, “Go ahead, knock yourself out dummies!” My body still hasn’t forgiven me that one.
Over time, I’ve have learned that letting my inner self taunt neanderthals is probably not a good idea. But accidents will happen, like last week when I was jaywalking. At the last second, my inner self caught sight of a car coming.
Well, my soul quickly evacuated and in the nick of time—my body wasn’t so lucky… again. Thus, ongoing treatments to my body at the physical therapist office.
But enough about me, lets talk about you.
I’ve been studying you folks, and I have taken note of a few of your out of body experiences. And it is my opinion that harnessing your Astral Projection capabilities can’t help but improve your life.
For you men, your inner self is using only 30 seconds for foreplay and only 3 minutes for sex before exiting your body to sleep. Gentlemen, that’s not going to cut it.
And can we talk bathroom etiquette for a moment. Men, watch that toilet seat!
While your body does what it must, your inner self exits sooner than that in order to get back to the game, forgetting to put the seat back down. So watch that toilet seat, buddy.
Not literally you fool!
And I’ve been watching you ladies too. What’s with your body leaving a nearly empty spool of toilet paper for the guy that follows you, while your inner self is sitting up in bed reading 50 Shades of Grey?
Oh, by the way ladies, just ignore that hot breath you think you might be feeling on the back of your neck while you’re taking a shower. As far as you know, its probably just an open window.