Oh Canada!


It has recently come to my attention that demand for my new novel, “How to Praise Canadians and Stroke Their Egos-While adding Floridians, who were former Pennsylvanians named, Grammy, to the Title” has reached epic proportions… three people!

I’ve learned to never ignore the masses, or you don’t get paid!

In the past, I’ve had people approach me (usually with stun guns) shouting at me to put down with pen and paper (or was it, “Put down the pen and paper!” I really never could make out what it was they were yelling), about writing a novel, and when was I going to get around to doing it?

ebookAs I have no idea how to do an eBook, or how much it would cost me personally to do that (in any event I’m sure I couldn’t afford it), much less how it finds its way into the Amazon (why on earth would any publisher market a book in the jungle?), I continuously begged off on the project.

But, if you folks starting sending me stacks of $49.95 checks by the thousands, or tens and twenties (I’m not fussy), the post office might get mad at me, but I’m sure something could be arranged. mailman

Perhaps a paperback!

Additionally, I always feared that once a publisher got done with my submission (and sending me the numerous rejection slips), the editor would then demand a re-write.

This, however, would eliminate all the rubbish (or, the best parts!), leaving me to tangle with the grammar police to clean up what was left… a one paragraph novel.

Hardly worth the $49.95, thus forcing you to send me $49.94 which is a penny off the suggested retail price. Better to pay the full price, and get the rubbish at its regular price, you’ll be glad you did.

But with the clamor for my new novel about a lost civilization to the north of us (again, known as Canada), to be written by an American (with no knowledge of their culture) growing louder and louder, I felt I had no choice but to write what will be considered (when finished), the greatest piece of fiction (crap) of all time.

Now I’m not one for shamelessly promoting my own unfinished literary masterpiece. That responsibility belongs to more skilled professionals who know all about shameful plugging—you my readers. No, no, no, no need to thank me for letting you carry the load, it’s my pleasure.

The seeds for my soon to be best seller, came from some back and forth banter between myself and another Paul, who I allowed to participate in this venture (mind you, purely for straight man purposes only) After all, it was his blog that made this all possible.

The inconsequential article that started all the fuss can be found here—on Paul’s blog…


You should really go check it out, there is even an except from the book. Naturally it’s priceless material, because I wrote it. And take time to press Paul’s like button, his site could really use the attention.

cultureAnd because Paul really is a Canadian (yes, they really do exist), he knows absolutely nothing about Canadian culture, but fortunately neither do I, which makes it perfect that I tell their story—despite massive protest from most Canadians, and Paul.

Yet, their history should be told—although no one else seems to care. I mean come on…its Canada, how much interest can there be?

But I confess to having an interest (albeit a passing one) in these tribal people, and their infatuation with plaid, moose, beer, and a silly game with sticks played on ice. Boy, they must have been wasted the day they came up with that one! moose

And don’t worry if you see some yahoo’s in red uniforms and funny looking hats called, mounties. They talk funny, but they’re really harmless. There principal job seems to be adding local color, and saving young girls tied to railroad tracks from some imbecile named, Snidley Whiplash. snidleyDefinitely a Canadian kook.

But, hiding up there in the cold, white, North American wilderness is a country just waiting to be discovered. And this country is loaded with lovable people who say “eh” a lot. Suggesting, many of them are hard of hearing.

So before you rush out and buy my book—remember its just $49.95—at full price, why not save the penny. Paul insisted on having a large pizza as payment for his participation, but remember he’s Canadian, and probably doesn’t understand the exchange rate.

And if you decide on taking a trip up there, you might want to let them know your coming. You can, and should do this by screaming…

Oh Canada!


41 comments on “Oh Canada!

  1. Hahaha I enjoyed this more than my tall glass of maple syrup today, and boy do I like my maple syrup. You’ve convinced me, you are the only man who could possibly write this book. Some would say the title of the book is too short; they would be wrong.

  2. I know you jest, but you could do an eBook with a collection of your funny observations. Doesn’t cost a thing. I know zip about Canada except the two times I was there it was very clean as if it gets swept on a steady basis.
    You love to write…one can see that, so Canada is one place to start. When are you going. Paul can pick you up.

    • I feel so guilty using a little humor at the expense of our good friends to the north, but I hope they will note that I use self-deprecating humor for a good laugh as well. I intend no malice. I have found the people of Canada, as well as their beautiful country itself, a fantastic place to experience. I have always enjoyed myself immensely on my visits there, and the Canadian people very welcoming. You’re so right Susannah about how clean the country is. The fact that the people up there appreciate what they have is indicated by how well they maintain that beauty, by not polluting their environment. I would love to do an eBook, I just know very little about the process. Paul is a riot, and sadly, I think he gets me… poor fellow. :O)

  3. Too funny Paul! I’ll be waiting patiently for that book and I want a physical copy signed by you. Who knows? One day your signature may be worth more than $49.95! 😉 ~Elle

      • So you know how to write Canadian too? Its a lost art you know? Well actually, it’s never been developed, yet. But don’t let that get around… Elle will buy practically anything. Last year, I almost sold her the crown worn by the queen of Canada. I had a dreadful time wrestling that crown off her head. I think I made a mistake when I yelled “Off her head!” Unfortunately some guards took me literally… what a mess. Then I found out, she wasn’t even the queen. I felt awful, but I think she felt worse.

  4. Sorry Jan, it would appear WordPress is having a problem these days with comments (mental midgets!). But I saw your comment before it vanished from my radar. Anyway, did you mean to say… there’s a real Canada?

  5. I’ve heard through the grapevine, if you believe such a thing exists, that in addition to the soon to be completed book deal, whenever that might be, there is also a soon to be competed movie deal based on the book and one of the Paul’s is going to play the soon to be cast lead as soon as the soon to be signed director agrees to the soon the be competed contract. So this soon to be hot book and movie will one day make you or the other Paul loads of cash, if only something can be completed before this soon to be project becomes discarded

    • LOL! Well George, you know how those big name Hollywood studio types are. They have this ridiculous notion that there has to be a book in print before they can even make a movie. What an absurd notion right? I wrote Spielberg and suggested he have the soon to be cast, including me as the lead, just improvise my book based on our limited knowledge of Canada. He ask me how soon we could be ready, and I told him I’d send it to him telepathically. He said he was having a little trouble receiving it. I think Steven can’t read Canadian, at least not telepathically. Meanwhile, Paul and I are hoping a soon to be announced Canadian production company will buy (with Canadian money) my soon to be thought out novel with an option for the soon to be thought out sequels. In the meantime George, were those Canadian grapevines, or American grapevines that were talking to you? I know the grapevine in Provence, France and no one can understand a thing they say, because they’re always drunk!

      • Those are the grapevines in Sicily. I don’t think we need to elaborate on how those messages come across. As for the soon to be completed project and the director who doesn’t understand Canadian telepathy, maybe you should try someone who is a little more successful than S. (that’s how they refer to him in Tinseltown. I mean he hasn’t done anything since Lincoln. Maybe he’s washed up or lost his creative mojo. You might want someone with a little more contemporary juice that speaks your language, whatever that might be.

      • Your quite right George, Quentin Tarantino has always understood me. Unlike Spielberg, I think Quentin and I speak the same telepathic language, neural WiFi. But he has 90 million, and I, 90 cents. :O)

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