I suppose it was inevitable, that someday I’d have to write this post, as opposed to dictating it to some secretary I can’t afford to give a bonus to, for not being there in the first place. But, someone recently wrote to tell me that they felt I had been taking my readers for granite.
As a result, I’ve been forced to give the matter a little thought. At first, I was not quite sure how to take this accusation. I mean me, the guy who always writes, responds, and follows no more than 1% of his readers? Take my readers for granite? Never!
Were they expecting me to take my readers out to a rock quarry for an outing? Did they feel my many readers were nothing more than sculptures made out of stone, marble, or alabaster? Or were they just trying to insult me, by suggesting that my readers were all stoned, because they were following me!
Nevertheless, this was an ominous warning to be sure, one I couldn’t take lightly. Although, I do realize my readers accept me as a professional humorist (isn’t hypnotism great?) I’ve always taken my readers seriously, because they can’t help it.
I’ve never blamed them for lacking a sense of humor, even though they do. I mean, I understand. Its not their fault they were born without one funny bone in their entire body.
But hey, that’s why they come to me, right? My readers expect me to fill they’re semi-daily doctor’s prescriptions for their inability to make others laugh. It’s alright, it’s just another affliction my readers are cursed with. Why make fun of them for their failure to produce a daily knee-slapper, like I do?
But for me to take my readers for granite! Come on, not all of their little hearts are made of stone.
Oh sure, the latest stats I received about my readership suggest that 94% of their hearts are. But lets be honest, those statistics come from WordPress. I’m almost certain that number is no larger than 92% at best. Besides, you all know how WordPress tends to over-inflate other blogs numbers, instead of mine.
Sure, I count director Oliver Stone, actress’s Emma and Sharon Stone, news anchor Stone Phillips, actor Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, the band Sly and the Family Stone, and Kid Rock among my many followers here.
But I would never refer to them as readers I take for granite. Celebrities made of quartz, feldspar, and mica perhaps, but never granite.