Granted, You Are My Readers

the thinker

I suppose it was inevitable, that someday I’d have to write this post, as opposed to dictating it to some secretary I can’t afford to give a bonus to, for not being there in the first place. But, someone recently wrote to tell me that they felt I had been taking my readers for granite.

monkeyAs a result, I’ve been forced to give the matter a little thought. At first, I was not quite sure how to take this accusation. I mean me, the guy who always writes, responds, and follows no more than 1% of his readers? Take my readers for granite? Never!

Were they expecting me to take my readers out to a rock quarry for an outing? Did they feel my many readers were nothing more than  sculptures made out of stone, marble, or alabaster? Or were they just trying to insult me, by suggesting that my readers were all stoned, because they were following me! jack

Nevertheless, this was an ominous warning to be sure, one I couldn’t take lightly. Although, I do realize my readers accept me as a professional humorist (isn’t hypnotism great?) I’ve always taken my readers seriously, because they can’t help it.

I’ve never blamed them for lacking a sense of humor, even though they do. I mean, I understand. Its not their fault they were born without one funny bone in their entire body.

But hey, that’s why they come to me, right? My readers expect me to fill they’re semi-daily doctor’s prescriptions for their inability to make others laugh. It’s alright, it’s just another affliction my readers are cursed with. Why make fun of them for their failure to produce a daily knee-slapper, like I do?

But for me to take my readers for granite! Come on, not all of their little hearts are made of stone.

Oh sure, the latest stats I received about my readership suggest that 94% of their hearts are. But lets be honest, those statistics come from WordPress. I’m almost certain that number is no larger than 92% at best. Besides, you all know how WordPress tends to over-inflate other blogs numbers, instead of mine.

emmaSure, I count director Oliver Stone, actress’s Emma and Sharon Stone, news anchor Stone Phillips, actor Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson, the band Sly and the Family Stone, and Kid Rock among my many followers here. dwayne

But I would never refer to them as readers I take for granite. Celebrities made of quartz, feldspar, and mica perhaps, but never granite.

Who do you think I am; a blogger who takes his celebrity readers for ignoramuses, I mean igneous rock followers? That would make me stoned, and that’s not possible! Is it? drugs


35 comments on “Granted, You Are My Readers

  1. Great stuff! – Might suggest you find another stony analogy for celebs. While many warrant your high esteem – for those that don’t perhaps a stone with a yucky brown hue……Since many celebs tend to be rectal apertures…….

    • I know what you mean Jan, and that’s why I just joined a 12 ledger support program. Now with 12 other people helping me review other blogs and their stats, I’ll only have one twelfth of the fixation! :O)

  2. I can’t believe people would think you of all people would take your readers for granite. You’re a stone cold blogger. Taking someone for granite is not in your DNA.

  3. Hi! I am so happy to have found your blog. I know that we just met virtually, but I nominated you for the Versatile Bloggers Award because I know that I will be following your site and laughing along with you in the months (years?) to come. Thanks for your inspiration and fun. Thanks to Poetry and Chocolate and Books for leading me to you, too.

    You are a seasoned blogger, so you have probably been given the award before– so don’t feel obligated to do a post unless you wish to– just wanted to get your link out there on my blog. Thanks so much again for stopping by to see me as well. 🙂

    Here is the link:

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