Not Just Another Bloggers Conference

Jasper T. Fullofit

Jasper T. Fullofit

Have you ever attended a bloggers conference? If you have, I hope you received more quality insights about blogging than at the one I recently was forced to attend.

Now if you happened to be among the poor folks who attended the “In My Cluttered Attic” bloggers convention this past weekend (pity us); held in Cognito, Patagonia then you were one of the lucky ones—who hopefully got away. patagonia

If on the other hand, you were unable to escape (hope you weren’t a quadriplegic who got an invite), then you certainly got an earful of mumbo jumbo which would be in keeping with the remote South American language.

Now I couldn’t say for sure—because most of us had blindfolds on at the time—but I felt our being lined up with our hands tied behind our backs, and being given a lit cigarette to dangle off of our lower lips, may have well added to our sense of foreboding.

The keynote address on the inherently dangerous subject of blogging, was delivered by none other than the eminent scholar (in some other field… probably an open one), Jasper T. Fullofit.

He’s the president (no, not that president) and CEO (corporate-imbecile with an E-out to lunch officer) of, In My Cluttered Attic. Apparently “The Attic” spared no expense in getting him and it showed in the lack of valuable information imparted by the nincompoop.

He blathered on for hours and hours before he got to the point—of no return to sanity that is. Then the dunce finally said something moronic enough (what a surprise!) that would actually have brought the crowd to its feet to leave—were it not for the lack of the use of our lower limbs due to sitting for so long.

Yet, we were forced to endure more mindless prattle (due to being strapped to porta-potties) about how being a blogger can lead to writing a more legible grocery list, and even amusing graffiti on the walls of bathroom stalls.  grafitt

Not once in the entire time, however, did we hear how blogging might lead a writer to profiting from a book or novel (self-published or otherwise). Although, that would have been a novel concept. novel

Instead, we were treated to (try tortured with) drivel, about how tedious (like his discourse was) blogging can be.

He stated (droned on and on) over and over, that for any blogger to consider themselves successful, they must daily check to see how many button pushers  desperate for more followers (or readers who loved what you wrote), actually checked the like box at the bottom of your post.

Mr. Fullofit also urged us to reply to the dolts (I think he meant people of character who actually read your post), because you need them to come back in order to pad your stats.

He further stressed (threatened), that we must not ONLY write something back to them— even if it’s out of guilt (again, I think he meant sincerely respond)—but also go and look at the pictures on (or sincerely read) their blog in order to avoid to avoid being classified as shallow.Only then, he added, might they might add you to their blogroll.

Before we could leave we were forced to buy his new book, “How Attending a Bloggers Convention Can Make You Rich.” Just between you and me, I think the mans a shyster.

All in all, though, it would have been just another lost weekend in the jungle (or total waste of time), were it not for the gift of dysentery I contracted during my escape.

jungleAll because I refused to buy his book.


30 comments on “Not Just Another Bloggers Conference

    • Now that you mention it gh0stpupp, I would have been willing to bet that Mr. Fullofit exhibited many of the characteristics of an anthropomorphic character. Although I feel his attempt at human intelligence was pretty fake. :O)

  1. I’m not sorry I missed that one. I have hosted a blogger meetup once upon a time but we just did the music and BBQ thang in a local park. It was a blast. We had two bloggers show up all the way from Cali and another from New York. Ended up with some long term friendships from that one. Bwah ha ha… I only blog for fun so the money and fame isn’t a draw for me.

    • As always, you are most welcome. So glad to see you again. Well you know our staff (me) we don’t mind roughing it, if it means we’ll get all the facts, leaches, lice, crocodiles, typhoid, malaria and all in the name of a good laugh. Even if it kills us (me).

  2. Now that I see the picture, I could have sworn I saw you there….running to the restroom as your glasses and mustache flew off. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

    • Only because I found an elephant in my pajamas… how he got there… oh… I… never mind George. Besides, I’m sure I told you all about it when we were in that big boiling cauldron surrounded by the dancing natives just after we hurriedly left the conference, don’t you remember? Boy that water must have been hotter than I thought.

      • Lol…yes I remember it all too well, especially the smile on their faces. I already crossed the conference off my list for next year.

    • You know, that must have been when I was passing my kidney stones back in the odd-house. So that explains why all of us were given red noses to wear at Mr. Fullofits rhetoric. Sound like I missed the better lecture on Friday. My apologies Ibeth, and I’m willing to bet yours was in English. The one we attended was in Klingon!

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