I believed them all when they called me hilarious. I was their gullible slave when they exclaimed that I had the most uproarious (an dare I mention, funny) blog they’d ever read. What a fickle lot bloggers are. What have I done to cause them to flee my attic? I never even had the chance to pull the new fire alarm in my attic!
And now I have an extended lower lip, and a healthy fear that my wife may have been feeding off of all my recent negativity about blogger evacuation, thus, growing more and more powerful every day. If unchecked, it may only be a matter of time (evening or matinee) before I have to recruit “The Avengers” to deal with her.
And while I remained loyal to my followers, they and others abandoned me. Were the grammar police, who advocate Elements of Style as the standard-bearer for all things linguistic, too critical of my every post? Did my readers expect more Pride and Prejudice out of my writing?
Do I look too much like the Travelocity gnome to the extent that I became misidentified as a troll? Did my recent lobotomy give my lack of intellect away?
Oh I wanted to be the king of my own castle (blog), but I also want a Bullwinkle Moose Pez too.
Now, my wife has sent me back to the psychologist for more evaluation. She always does this whenever I get depressed, or want a new pez. She says it’s for my own good, but for some reason… I’m not so sure. I really have got to remember to make that call to “The Avengers” perhaps at a midnight showing.
Anyway, I went along with the two nice men in the white coats. They fitted me with a no arms jacket, and although a very nice gesture, it’s a little uncomfortable. Even more so considering my ensemble. Mental note to self; be sure to ask for an open back robe at the doctors office, more comfortable than this jacket.
As for this couch I’m on, I think it would have been far more comfortable if it didn’t have these ugly straps that I got tangled up in, but… OH HI DOC!
“Good morning, nize to zee youz again. Zo, vhat seems to be za problem zis time?”
“No zat again! It’s Fridayz, Lez no go zare okay. And bezides, az I haz already toldz you befores, visout za Rocket J. Squirrel Pez… zare is no vay to getza better.”
Okay, I’ll see what I can do for you.
“Is zare anyzing elze I can dooz for youz at zis time?”
Well, now that you mention it… I started a blog.
“Oont… zo zat’s vhat troubles you? (whispering) I’m abzolutely zertain that troubles za ozer bloggers?
Oh no, I mean yes, yes because where some write in their blogs about their faith, perhaps a novel, or even poetry I just had to be different.
“I nose zis zabout you. But vhat are you viting about in za blog?”
“Ha, ha, ha, ha…”
What’s so funny?
“Zat, youz viting za humor. Youz don’t even knowza vhat za comedy isza, much less za humor? Ha, ha, ha. No vonder you needz my help.”
I don’t need you to write the humor for me, I already know how to do that.
“Zatza vhat you sink.”
Nope, zat, I mean THAT is what I know, but now I’m starting to get rejected by people. People I liked.
“Vell zat shouldn’t bozer you. as you haz lotz of experience wiz zat kindza of sing befores.
But this time it’s different doc. When I started my blog I never worried whether someone would read it, I always figured it was just a matter of time. And then three years later… BINGO, I got a like. Another year later and I had a follower. Before I knew it (one year later) my first response. Today I have 5 followers… ah, left.
“Zo vhat is za ploblem?”
Well on sites I visit regularly, you know, sites where I was once the toast of the town, well now they don’t list my blog as one of the blogs they recommend you go check out.
“Ah yes… za checkout sing somezing you nose alots zabout.”
I mean, I comment all the time on their blogs, as if I really liked what they wrote!
“Based on zat, I can’t imagine wise zay don’t respond back? Tisk, tisk, tisk.”
Are you kidding?
“No… I would nezer do zat, I’m a doctor, remember? Anyzing else?”
Oh, only, do you think I’m getting paranoid?
You know I really think there’s definitely a language problem between us. And how in the world am I suppose to know Jay Leno? Who is crazy now doc, huh?
“Oh look… it looks like vee are outs of za time!”
I seem to be a little stuck here doc.
“Oh don’t bozer trying to get zup off za gurney… ah… couch. Just let zees nice men vheel you to your new padded zell, ah… room.”
Okay, thanks doc!
“Zatsa good boy.”