A Letter To My Readers (and from another writer who really knows)

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You may have noticed that we here at the attic have been absent for a couple of days (some of the more observant of you will have noted, that this writer has been absent much longer than that). But there is a very good reason for that (not really—the writer is delusional, likely whacked out on drugs, so just HUMOR him, god knows he has no grasp of what humor is).

We are committed here at the attic (most of you felt that should have happened a long time ago) to not serving just any post (another piece of crap) before its time (even more of you feel that time never came, and never will).

Some blogs go for the cheap laugh at the readers expense, but not here (no here the writer goes for the cheap laugh at the expense of your valuable time).

It takes tremendous effort (slacker) to produce a high quality blog (what would he know) at WordPress. And our top notch staff of writer’s here at the attic (just him) wouldn’t have it any other way. Otherwise we’d being doing this for our own gratification. (he’s an egotist!).

After countless hours and months of fruitful work (a few minutes at best), and even more laborious and exhaustive research (like what it took for this post—Nada) we can publish for your enjoyment (he calls reading this enjoyable?) a prodigious (0 or nothing) amount of hysterically funny material for you to read.

We (him and his dog) take great pride here at the attic (couldn’t care less) that you the reader, not be exposed to the usual lame material that passes for what WordPress calls, the best of the best, or dare I say (he did), Freshly Pressed (he’s so jealous of those bloggers).

Now if that’s the sort of stuff you want to read, you’ll not find it here (because he’s clueless. My guess is, he wasn’t paying his comedy writers enough).

The throng of loyal readers who flock to this blog daily (both of you), find that they are frequently met with a blank page (due to his recent frontal lobotomy).idiot

But we understand (he understands nothing) quality does not happen overnight (and here—not at all).

Like a great wine, great writing also takes time (however the grapes don’t know any better, and apparently neither does he), we at the attic take as much time (as he can possibly get away with) as is needed (or before panic sets in over lack of likes and readers) to put a quality piece (of you know what) up for you to read.

So there you have it devoted followers of the attic (intelligent readers who pressed the like button on his blog post, but never bothered to read what he wrote, so that the idiot would come and improve your stats instead of his).

Just a little glimpse into what goes on behind the scenes (snoring) here at the attic, before we (does he have a mouse on his person?) publish a post for your pleasure (more of the same rubbish from this bozo).

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97 comments on “A Letter To My Readers (and from another writer who really knows)

    • I forgive you for only hitting the like button all this time. I don’t know how one of my former (disgruntled) writers managed to put remarks into so many parenthesis throughout my post. I guess the six figure income he was receiving here wasn’t enough. Comedy is serious work, thank goodness I finally figured it out, thanks Dorothy. :O)

  1. What is this “freshly pressed”? Is that like “double-washed” or “hygienically sealed.” Wait, don’t tell me. I’m prone to fits of jealousy as well!

    • LOL. Well we cant have that Jan. Other symptoms might include sleepless nights, and feverish spells of recklessly using parenthesis to air out grievances in your former employers blog post. Thank goodness you’re too fine a person to let that happen to you. :O)

  2. My dog is happy to know there is a dog also behind (or inside or below or above…or outside…uh in front of????) the cluttered attic (an attic overtaken by all things of clutter – aka in clutter-istic overload) when he heard me chuckling at (no actually he’s getting some exercise outside and his hearing’s not that amazing) at this “clutter” post….

    My cat, however, is disappointed (well, would be if he wasn’t napping….actually, ok ok ok, I have no idea what he’s doing…maybe he’s on a plane to Barbados?). Did you know my dog and cat actually get along (fairly well)? That is until they both read this post (uh how is that possible?) and are now (hypothetical)enemies….because where’s the feline presense in the “clutter”?

    Animals feelings were (definitely not) hurt by this post.

    * still reading* 🙂

    • Queen Aej, now I can’t say this with any certainty, but it sounds to me like all your dog and cat really need is a chance to work for a salt of the earth kind of guy. I’ve been looking for a dog and cat who can write posts for animals. I had to recently lay off a 4 legged former employee for using too many parenthesis in a recent post, and not enough to clutter up some of my other posts.

      • Sounds like an (improbable) solution! If they but only had thumbs, they could type and send their resumes in by tomorrow morning to this “Mr. Salty”. Alas, having no positioned appendage to push the space bar makes typing a slow process….and the breaks for chasing squirrels in our back yard (a joint effort and violence) must be kept faithfully.

        What? No, of course, I won’t help them type it up! They must get the job on their own…and start paying rent, right? Just being a responsible pet owner.

        Oh and, by the by, I have a fish too who might be able to “splash” some creativity on anyone’s blog. A beta of high standing (or rather high swimming). He can meet with you (uh, with”Mr. Salty”, I mean) on any Tuesday between 11:01 am and 11:02 am…he has a super power that allows him to breathe out of water for that weekly magical minute. Uh oh, but he doesn’t know how to type at all. He does like to read the “Wall Street Journal”, though (which someone types up somewhere), but we never buy it for him because he always gets it wet.

        If your 4 legged friend is up a for another job or a respite…send him over to CMOC, He is welcome to chase some squirrels too. This exercise could cure his “Parenthesis Imbalance”…I may (or may not) have gotten this advice from a vet named Snodgrass Wimplewallow, who only sees caterpillars and the occasional bovine (who has stepped on a caterpillar)….so I’m apologize the if it is incurable after all….especially apologize to the squirrels.

        I digress :).

      • LOL. This is not the way its suppose to be. Your Response Queen, is better than my post! I’ am grateful for your being a responsible pet owner, if only more non-pet owners were, I’d have a larger pool of pets to choose from. As for intellectual beta, I believe he, or she… may have something in common. Mr. Salty is a fisherman, but I’m afraid the beta would get all wrapped up in reading the journal, and get nothing accomplished here as a result. I’ve heard of Mr. Wimplewallow and suspect he is quite good at examining ducks as well, since I understand he is affectionately referred to as a quack, or at least I hope he is referred to affectionately. Queen Aej I may have to take this to the next stage, that of having your pets in for an interview. I’m just waiting for a response from my animal translator, one Dr. Doolittle. ;o)

  3. I laughed all the way through this. Funniest post I’ve read. You’re a sick man in a very good way. If this is the result, you should think about staying away more often

  4. I see those mischievous little elves were at it again when they edited your story. Thanks for your perseverance. I hope you catch those responsible and make them pay (what? we’re the ones who should be paid more). Arggh! Now, they’re editing my comment. Thanks for the chuckles. 😉

  5. After reading through this massive post (of genius :P) I found that i’m still not sure whether you want me to press the like button or not… Funny post though, the cross-eyed people pics also made my day.

  6. So there you have it devoted followers of the attic (intelligent readers who pressed the like button on his blog post, but never bothered to read what he wrote, so that the idiot would come and improve your stats instead of his)- I hate that. I can’t measure for sure if they read the article with just a like. I’d rather engage. But this made me laugh hard. I agree. LIKE LIKE LIKE.

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