Have You Become A Slippery Tongue Devil?

slip of the tongue

People call you a master linguist. Words just seem to slip off your tongue. Mind you, people don’t recognize some of them, but Merriam Webster has nothing on you.

Others have gone so far as to say (because new and strange words escape your mouth at will) that you must be working on your own lexicon, or possibly a new accent.

There was that time (for no apparent reason) the word “paapel” came out—instead of the word, people. Everyone thought you were born and raised in California. Apparently not. Perhaps you had a secret upbringing in the south that even you were unaware of.

Maybe you drank moonshine and wrestled pigs all day in your bare feet during your hillbilly youth. Possibly could explain why you don’t remember any of it—or would even want to.hillbilly

scotsmanOn another occasion, the phrase  “I no can do it.” escaped your lips, while you were trying to avoid working overtime on a Friday. You sure know how to turn a phrase. Your boss thought he had hired a foreigner, saying, “I didn’t know you were from Scotland?”

But (now that you’re an adult), in your defense, your family has taken to telling folks, “Oh… he’s been talking in tongues ever since he was an infant.” Of course, back then, you had an excuse.baby boy

But that’s not all you can do. Everyone (especially your family) is amazed at your ability to abbreviate long words—verbally.

For instance; the big ooops is no stranger to you. Remember that time you were showing your boys how to use a hammer. You were telling them, “Boys, this is how its done.” How could you have known you were about to give a lecture on four letter words.

But, after you hit your thumb, you weren’t talking about vegetables (or food for that matter), when you exclaimed, “Shiitake Mushrooms!” Only you stopped short of adding—the ake and the word, mushrooms.

hit your thumbYou, and your boys, had no idea you were about to give another language lesson. But crimson so becomes you…or at least your boys must have thought so.

How else do you explain the rolling around on the ground hysterics of your boys, as you put a nail through your foot (protruding from the board you dropped) while you ran around in agony gripping your pulsating thumb, and then tripping over the open toolbox you left out.

You were in all your glory that day, not to mention you revealed your hidden expertize in the use of four letter words. Who knew? You probably wished you were more proficient in Latin—not that you would have been able to call upon it in that particular moment.

Yep, you sure have a way with words—you silver tongue devil you.

 

 

The Deduction Discussion

sherlock holmes

The games afoot…again, and I think I’m an egghead.

See I lost my glasses the other day. The other day—hell I lose them all the time. But, as a result of losing my glasses at regular intervals, I thought I had managed to develop some rather keen deductive skills.

Well despite this miraculous talent of mine, my wife continued to mock me at every turn—skeptic that she is.

For example; during a recent case (my keys walked off), like the master sleuth, Sherlock Holmes, I began tearing the house apart looking for them, when she walked up and asked me what I was looking for?deduction

I said “My keys…someone has moved them again.” She started helping me look, but all the while expressing how I’m always misplacing things and then blaming somebody else for it.

SherlockFinally, I was forced to point out, how Sherlock Holmes had nothing on me, and that I would find them with, or without her help. She responded “How so Sherlock?”

I said, “Well remember that time when from a single blade of grass, I deduced an entire lawn?”

For what seemed like an hour (but was actually only thirty minutes) she looked at me with a blank stare, and then said, “And your point is?”

I said “Don’t you get it? What I did was just like Sherlock Holmes, wasn’t it? I mean didn’t he say, that from a single drop of water one might deduce an entire Niagara or Atlantic?”Robert Sherlock

“But you were standing in the middle of a football field at the time!” she exclaimed, as if she was shocked by my massive intellect.

I figured what better place to find a single blade of grass than in the middle of a football field, right?

I think she missed the pure logic of the thing. And its not easy to be a logician in our house, or on a football field for that matter.

But back to case of my missing glasses.

zero effectI went on to explain to my wife how I’d made it my business to study all the great detectives of literature and what the literary detective, Daryl Zero, from “Zero Effect” once said about deduction; “When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad,”

She nodded “Uh-huh…”

So I continued with how he finished that thought, “Because of all the things in the world that you are looking for, you’re only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world that you are looking for, your sure to find some of them.”

She looked at me with a smile and said “So what you’re gonna do is look for everything, right?”

I replied, “Yeah…that’s right. That way I’m bound to find my glasses.”

About this time I was feeling pretty proud of myself, until she said…

“Well sweetie I don’t want to burst your bubble, but if you look carefully on the bridge of your nose—I think you’ll find your glasses.”

As well as the—egg on my face.egg on my face

So folks, the moral of this story is, when you eliminate the impossible—never mind… you get the yoke.

Only 641 Words—Is it 15 Minutes Yet?

spotlight

Have you achieved your fifteen minutes of fame yet? Well if you haven’t, or when you do, just remember—fifteen minutes is your limit! Not fifteen minutes and one second, not twenty minutes, and definitely not twenty-three hours and fifty-nine seconds. No, all you get is…

Fifteen minutes.

Or, if it makes you feel any better…nine hundred seconds—because it sounds like more.

This being a blog post of mine, I think I might achieve my fifteen minutes of fame in less than fifteen minutes.

So get ready, got the stop watch? Get set…GO!stopwatch start

Its not my edict, oh no, I’m a believer in unlimited fame.

But fame is fleeting, in fact, the time reduction on fame was imposed back in 1968. Before then, fame was virtually unlimited—well almost.

the elizabethan eraThere was that little 9 day wonder thing that the Brits tried waaay back during the Elizabethan era (which lasted about as long), but it never really caught on.

Before 1968, you could rack up fame minutes, “like nobody’s business” which means—most of you (living or dead, and most of you, are now dead) were likely never heard from. But for the few who achieved fame, it was probably for more than fifteen minutes—maybe forever.

And for those of you who were around back during the infancy of recording devices, did you know—you guys walked funny? Just thought you should know, we all think so, its not just me.funny walk

But, more about fame. Prior to 1968—the sky was the limit when it came to fame.

But since 1968 (even with help from mass-media, paparazzi, tabloids, and reality television) you still only get…

hourglassFifteen minutes.

Sure its still possible to earn fifteen minutes of fame—you may have to work really fast—but its still possible. Unless you are a Kardashian, in which case, I hope you’re on borrowed time. I mean, being famous for —BEING FAMOUS—is just wrong…don’t you think?kardashian

Yes, you can accomplish this amazingly—NOW MINIMAL FEAT—but don’t wait too long. You never know when special interest groups in Washington might lobby our Congress to reduce fame time from fifteen minutes to even less.

Could they do that, you ask? Well yeah…but that’s about it though. I guarantee they won’t accomplish anything else.

do nothing congressTime limits—or is that term limits? I’m so confused, but if you think I’m confused, you ought to see our Congress! Well so much for reassurance.

But, why you ask, did the ability to achieve ever-lasting fame get reduced for everyone, to only fifteen minutes?

In a word—Andy Worhol! Okay that’s two words but, its still one name, although you could just say Worhol and make it one word, but I decided to say, “in a word” and thus, screwed up and forgot to edit this sentence, so you’re now reading it as two words instead of one word, and all of a sudden I have a run-on sentence and am out of breath—gasp.

Actually there is some debate over who actually changed the fame time thing, but Andy generally gets worholthe blame for it, and I am going to continue to blame him because, he’s dead and he can’t do anything to me. So there, Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.

“In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes” so said Andy. So let it be written, so let it be done (like it was one of the Ten Commandments), and when did father time die and make Andy king of fame time, huh?

So the next time you stop and wonder about, when will your fifteen minutes of fame come, remember who to blame for only getting fifteen minutes when it finally happens.

And then ask; how did Andy come up with that arbitrary number—fifteen minutes—in the first place?

And then get back to me because…

Well I can’t think of a reason right now, but when you get back to me I’m sure I’ll have one by then, and—STOP!stopwatch finish

Inanimate Objects Have An Odd Sense Of Humor

old phone

Are objects in your house laughing at your expense? Do they fall off the counter when your not looking? Slip onto the floor without provocation? Betray you when your in public—I could have sworn I zipped my fly up before I left the house?

Or do your clothes come out faded after you do the laundry?laundry

Okay, I admit, I might be guilty of that one—seeing that I mixed the colors with the whites—but I have a good excuse… I’m a man.

missing socksBut about those missing socks in the washer—that happens to both men and women. However, neither sex is to blame for it.

Wanna know why?

Inanimate objects, are not inanimate at all… and have an very odd sense of humor.

Remember that time when you had your hands full, and you had to dig through your purse for your keys. Remember you securely set your cup of  Starbucks on the roof of your car. Then when you went to open the door, the cup literally LEAPED from the roof of the car, and splattered all over your brand new skirt.

coffee laughingRemember that?

That was sooo… funny. Even total strangers walking by thought so. Especially when you began screaming in tongues. There you were; stomping around, launching objects that were left in your hands to parts unknown—the way NASA used to launch rockets.coffee cup lid

Or how about the time you were both in a hurry for work. Good husband that you are, you decided to make a toasted bagel for your wife.

Do you remember how the butter knife you set down on the rim of the jam jar, chose that particular moment—your wife had just entered the kitchen—to demonstrate counter-diving, as opposed to the more popular cliff-diving.

You both fell over laughing so hard.

Particularly after bending over, simultaneously, and bumping heads in attempting to pick up the knife.

Remember?

Your kids thought it was pretty hilarious too—especially the youngest, who spewed a mouth full of milk across the counter—after both of you wound up sitting on your rear-ends.

But you’ve probably forgotten that now, because both of you were unconscious from the concussions.

Inanimate objects like playing practical jokes too—or is it impractical?

Like the time a screw with a Phillips head slipped from your screw-driver. Do you recall how the whole garage was completely empty, except for the small work-bench across the floor from you?

Funny, how the only item it could possibly roll under—was sitting half a football field away!

You have to feel that joke is an old stand-by for inanimate objects, because it happens so often. It doesn’t matter what item is dropped—be it flat, round, or square—the object will (always) find its way under the only desk, or sofa in an otherwise empty room.

Oh—and then there was side-splitting knee-slapper last Thanksgiving, when you went to take the turkey to the dinning-room table, and it flew off the platter onto…dropping the turkey