In the beginning there was “CSI,” rather “CSI Las Vegas.” Closely followed by “CSI Miami,” “CSI New York,” and soon “CSI Cyber” all on the CBS network. Had CBS stolen two capital letters from the alphabet, leaving only twenty-four capital letters for the other networks to use?
The CBS Network might have recognized that, any combination of capitalized letters C, S, or I, might empower them to strike fear into the hearts of a network competitor.
ABC and NBC both were already missing capitol letters I and S, and quickly complained to the FCC (Federal Communication Commission) about the apparent theft.
The FCC immediately launched an investigation.
However; blind panic had already ensued over at Fox where all three capital letters C, S, and I, were missing.
Since the CW was already missing a third letter to begin with, the FCC—convinced that the CW was not a real network—never bothered to investigate their alleged theft.
But could CBS (quoting Michael from “ET” in “Yoda’s” voice, make the claim) “Yes, I have absolute power.” Or were they innocent of all allegations?
The FCC determined CBS may have gained an unfair advantage with the extra two capital letters in their possession. But without proof of any theft, no action could be taken against the Tiffany Network.
CBS continued to monopolize television.
Then, suddenly, capital N’s went missing. With NBC in possession of a capital N to begin with, where did the other N’s go?
Meanwhile, the FCC stumbled across Vanna White lying on a floor over at “Wheel Of Fortune.” She had been knocked down during the theft of some N’s, but she was okay. Pat Sajak was questioned about the theft.
Unfortunately Pat Sajak could only offer the FCC a chance to spin the wheel, which they declined to do. After all, without an N, the best anyone could spell was “Wheel Of Fortu e”—hardly worth the effort.
Before long CBS was making use of CSI by simply putting an N in front of the capital letters and then reversing the I and the S . Suddenly a show called “NCIS” became the new number one show on television. Not long after “NCIS, Los Angeles,” then”NCIS New Orleans” followed. A pattern was clearly developing.
I began to ponder the money that could be made from pitching an idea to CBS involving the use of the letters CSI.
One day, while waiting for my directionally challenged son to get out of school, I saw a school custodian stopping to spray off graffiti from a wall. “That’s it!” I thought.
I rushed home to hash out the details. My wife asked where our son was, I responded, “How should I know?”
Apparently—in my haste to get home to write down the details—I had forgotten to pick up our son. Oh well … I’m sure he’ll turn up—someday.
It’s all about a team of custodians who solve everything from locked empty bathroom stalls to stepped in wet wax.
What a relief though, our wayward son was just spotted…
On the back of a milk carton.