I woke up this morning with the face of a Chinese Shar-Pei! Now that I have a dog face, I wonder if I shouldn’t march down to my local recruiters office and join up? However my wife thinks my appearance has improved.
Have you ever woke up with a face looking like an accordion because you slept too hard on your bedding. If you have, then you know where I’m coming from. And if you haven’t … “then why the hell not?” Sorry, sorry … its just that I’m not used to waking up looking like Emperor Palpatine from “Star Wars.”
My son even asked for my autograph! My wife wanted me to pose with him for a picture. I told her I charge for those.
Did you know that sebum on our epidermis prevents skin wrinkles when submerged in water, unless your in for an extended period of time. You know what that means—Aquaman’s skin must contain sebum enough to cover the pores of every single person on the planet, because he never has wrinkles.
Okay class, that’s enough science for today.
But imagine waking up looking like this and having to be somewhere at a specific time. Then picture yourself walking around Beverly Hills with your wife—where everyone is beautiful—and getting pulled over by animal control.
The officer say’s to my wife, “Maam, don’t you realize you need a license and a leash if you’re gonna walk your dog in public?” Everyone’s a straight-man.
Without batting an eyelash my wife pulled the mocha down from her lips (took a breath as if she was about to defend my honor) and say’s, “Thank you officer—then took another sip and responded—I will.”
My mouth hung open so wide, I thought my tongue fell out. After my youngest picked it up I was certain it did.
What can I say … people love their animals.
After today I have come to think of skin creases like tattoos, only without the ink. Who needs a tattoo parlor, all I ever really needed was a good nights sleep in a soft comfy bed, and some big plush pillows.
Quite by accident, I think I’ve discovered a whole new art form. No need for the needles anymore, and best of all, no pain.
I slept so hard on my face, the imprints from the sheets and pillow cases left me looking like a crumpled-up newspaper. The elephant man without the trunk, “I’m not an animal … I’m a prune!”
I thought about how people in this town get plastic surgery just to justify a plastic surgeons higher tax bracket, simply because they can afford it.
A guy in the lobby even asked me, “What’s the name of your plastic surgeon so I know who NOT to call.”
Sleep wrinkles, what a concept.