This Sunday is the Oscar telecast, and like hundreds of other SAG (Screen Actors Guild) members I’ll not be attending. That’s because I was not invited—again!
I know the drill by now rejection is a part of all Oscar ceremonies. For every gold statue that goes to someone (and the Oscar goes to…) four other performers get nothing, nada, zilch. That list has grown if you are in the “Best Picture” category.
Then there is the seating dilemma at the “Dolby Theater.” So many famous and not so famous butts, and even fewer stalls to park them in. I know, because my ass failed to get one again!
Year after year plucked from the ever growing pool of reluctant performers to host the show, has come this array of actors who look completely disinterested in hosting the proceedings—James Franco for one comes to mind—but I’m not one of them… “Me, Me!”
Over the years I have been passed over for hosting duties on several occasions (or is it just ignored), and for the likes of folks named Rock, Crystal, and Whoopee! No, that’s not a hoot of celebration etched in stone that you hear, those are real people.
I can hear it now, “Who is he, and he said what last night at the Oscars!” Tell me ABC wouldn’t be thrilled with a little bit of drama? And I can provide it.
In years past there was Hope, this year we only have Doogie.
Now Neil Patrick Harris is a very nice guy, plenty of experience hosting award shows—a real improvement for the show.
Unless of course the Academy were to choose me.
Throw me a crumb for god sakes instead of calling me one! However, I would have settled for writing jokes again, but that’s the problem isn’t it?
Could it also be my application “Has wrote for the likes of Leno, Letterman and Ferguson.” I can’t imagine how that failed to impress?
But we both know what the real issue is don’t we, Cheryl—Academy Board President, Cheryl Boone Isaacs. It was Oprah… or was it Uma?
So David Letterman had one bad year hosting the show, but that was sixteen years ago! Hey, its not my fault his delivery was off that night. Blame the messenger, not the writer, or rather, the guy who suggested the joke—namely moi.
“Oprah…Uma. Uma…Oprah,” still funny… right? Well I guess you had to be there.
Okay, YES, I recently failed in my attempt to write jokes for the “Once Upon Your Prime” blog written by Stephanie Lewis, at “The Huffington Post” but it wasn’t my fault. The sun was in my eyes when I dotted that T and crossed that I.
So come Sunday, when families gather around the TV back on the East coast—IN ALL THAT SNOW—I’ll be stuck out here going to the beach laying under the palms in glorious sunny California (poor me).
So I’m pleading my case with AMPAS—American Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences, again. Please let me write for, or possibly host, The Oscars, next year!
I swear I’ll never tell another Oprah, Uma joke ever again!