I took a day off yesterday, or at least I thought I did? “No”, I told myself “I’m not gonna get all paranoid about this.” Perhaps a little suspicious, but never paranoid.
I spent the day with my wife doing wonderful things for her, it was our day—or was it her day? Nevertheless I was not paranoid, a little obsessed perhaps, but not paranoid.
After all, it’s was our special day, one that requires we both be selfless. And boy was I feeling selfless!
But I was refusing to be paranoid, it wasn’t really work anyway… or was it? “Lets not be unreasonable.” I reasoned.
Hey… I had to get out of bed… and yes that requires some effort, but I’d do that anyway, except for when I wanna stay in bed—like yesterday.
I had to get up, though, because nature was calling. When you gotta go, you gotta go… right?
But wait a minute. What if she was already awake? What if she was just pretending to be asleep, and then just laid there until I had no choice but to finally run, NOT WALK, to the potty room? Oh that’s just silly, she’d never do that… or would she?
But I’m not paranoid, just a teensy-weensy distrustful, that’s all.
Anyway, everyone else was asleep and the dog was scratching at the door, and had to go out. Somebody had to walk her. If I’m up, I might as well walk her. Or was everyone hoping I’d see it that way, and just go ahead and do it myself? Snoring filled the house, or was it exaggerated snoring?
Now is that acting paranoid?
No… my family is not that devious, or are they? Why was everyone still in bed after I came back from walking the dog? Did they all take sleeping pills? I doubt it, and you do too, don’t deny it!
I mean, I made more than enough noise when I flushed the toilet, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. A bear in hibernation would have woken up!
Okay, so I’m a tiny bit fearful, but not paranoid.
And what about when I opened our bedroom door and had to search all over the house for the leash in order to walk the dog? And then there was me opening and closing the front door to take the dog in and out? I ask you, “Is that paranoid… sure you could say unreasonable… but never paranoid.”
And still everyone’s asleep? Later, they all were claiming I was a lunatic. But they couldn’t call ME PARANOID, no sir!
Then I thought, might as well make breakfast. So, I got the pots and pans out and started the bacon, eggs, potatoes, and got to brewing an espresso. Suddenly—the whole country shows up in our kitchen,
I tell you doc, the only people missing were the census takers! And then they called me nuts. So that’s why I called you this morning, and why I’m here now, on your couch.
“Zo zat is vy you callz me on za Zunzay morning? Cuz you sink za family is in za cahoots to makes you work on za day off? Uoont you sink zay sink you haz za paranoid”?
“Ah… yeah… so whadya think doc”?
“Vell you notz za paranoid, yooza cured of zat.”
“Ah yes. Instead yooza clazy”!