Dear Nielsen Family:
I just want to apologize for the other day when you came knocking on our door. Please understand, we were not trying to be rude when you asked if we’d be interested in becoming a member of your family? We have nothing against your family name… we were just happy with our own family name is all.
Now I hand it to you, going door to door to seek new family members is certainly a novel approach. But consider this; wouldn’t having babies, be a far more practical idea for growing your family? Just asking.
The possible discomfort with your last name, Nielsen, is understandable though, what with Nelson being more popular. But why not just accept the second—e? We experienced a similar problem with our own last name.
Where Mahoney is a rather common last name, our family had embraced having an—a—where the—o—normally is located.
However you must know that there is a difference between asking for it and begging for it—when it comes to getting other families to adopt your family name instead.
You continued to plead with us—practically on hands and knees—to be a Nielsen family member. You went so far as to say that we would be able to watch any program on television that we wanted. Well I can assure you sir, that this family would do that anyway, whether you told us we could or not.
In fact, all our kids virtually live in front of the TV. To illustrate this: the last time our kids left the glare of the television—that being October 31st—we discovered while out in the dark, that their healthy faces radiated with the incandescent glow of the TV. And not one television in sight. Amazing huh?
When we tried to shut the door—and I hope you’ll forgive me— you countered with a rather less than generous offer saying, and I quote, “If you join the Nielsen family, we’ll pay you $50 every six months!” I am so sorry that I responded, “Sir… I wouldn’t accept that paltry sum to join your family, even if you offered us $100 a year!”
When I thought you’d stopped and had given up, the man next to you said—I’m guessing he was your brother—”It will only take a day, and a few papers, and we’ll have you up and running in no time.” and then when he added that enticing word of POWER— “Think of the POWER you’ll have.”—well I admit… you had me.
My mind began to race with the thought of not only cash in my pocket, but a name change that required little to no effort, and power—power to duck some creditors by having a different last name—not to mention, you guys were going to pay me and mine to watch television all the time.
And all just for becoming a member of your family, the Nielsens. A fine name—now that I reflect back on it.
Anyway, I’m writing you this letter to tell you how very sorry we all are that we ever doubted you. And how badly we all feel about our dog biting you and your brother, causing him to fall down all those stairs and then collide with old Mrs. Perkins in her wheelchair. We’re convinced she was easily doing 60 in a 5 mph zone. Clearly her fault.
It was equally unfortunate that her son accidentally backed into you both with his pickup truck. He swore up and down to the police (while they were taking him away) that his brakes gave out.
We hope this little incident won’t prevent you from returning and allowing us to join your little family, it was “Nielsen” right? And with all those kind offers too. Did you receive the 5 other letters we sent you this week… apologizing?
We received the one from your attorney. You didn’t tell us he had such a great sense of humor… ha, ha, ha… lawsuit… that’s a good one.
Anyway yours truly—from the hopefully new additions to your family…what was your names again? Oh right, The Nielsens.