I had a breakthrough of sorts the other day—as opposed to a breakdown. My wife and the girls finally let me go shopping with them. Going shopping may not seem like a big deal to you—especially if you are a women—but for me, well I’m a guy, and I was being allowed to tag along.
As we headed to the car I asked the boy’s—who were sitting on the sofa playing on their PS4 if they wanted to come along? They smiled and continued to stare at the screen, vigorously moving the controls, but barely mumbled in my direction. “No problem, but you’ll miss out on the fun.” I say, and off I go.
Did you know, women go shopping more than men? THUD!
Relax, breath deeply. There you go guys, that should help you past the hyperventilating.
But to continue my story. Shopping, for any average American these days is big news. Particularly when you stop to consider, that our incomes don’t even come close to the incomes of other real hard-working Americans.
Take for example, totally exhausted Congressmen like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, or even actor Tom Cruise. I bet they shop till they drop. Must be nice with all our hard earned money…ahem, I mean…their hard earned money.
After I thought about this, I spoke to my wife about my epiphany, and remarked, “Honey, you know it sort of makes you want to take an extra job, doesn’t it?”
With her typical quasi-logic she responded, “I KNOW, you can’t possibly be talking about me, I already work a ten hour day. Tell you what dear, instead of getting an extra job, why not think about making MORE money instead?”
We’ve arrived at the mall. First stop, J.C. Penney, where we are ( I mean she is ), in search of bargains. While roaming around in the Ladies Lingerie area—my wife was looking for a bra—a sales clerk suddenly came out of nowhere.
By now I had misplaced my wife and daughters. I don’t know HOW I got so distracted. “Um…can I help you sir?” she asked. Now I seriously doubted she could help me…after all, “nothing in here fits me!”
Anyway, I’m thinking about going back to that sporting good store we passed back up on the second level.
But too late, my wife and girls found me, and now were off again, this time to Kohl’s. Followed by stops at Macy’s, Crate & Barrel, Justice, “Oh look…there’s a Champs Sports, hey—hey—hey, were passing it. Wait a minute, that’s my hand you’ve got there!”
Forever 21, Nordstrom, Charlotte Russe, GAME STOP (a smile crossed my face), however it rapidly vanished as we pushed forward. It was the thrill of the hunt. As we left Oro Gold Cosmetics I could have sworn that I saw a Gordon Biersch Brewing Company—oh how I could have used an ice cold beer—but I must have been mistaken.
Before I knew it we had arrived at…Galleria Nails? What could we possibly do in, never mind. Were on the move again.
Claire’s, Bath & Body Works, Ben Bridge Jewelers, “Sweetie are you sure we can afford…” guess I bought it. BeBe, Potterybarn, Cathy Jean. It all was becoming a blur. Day turned to night, night turned into a calendar kiosk, and the calendar the girls bought turned to 2016. I smelled rubber. I was sure the soles of my shoes had had a blowout—but gratefully, it wasn’t another blowout sale.
“Hey.” I asked, “Is there something for men in this mall?” The whole mall fell deathly silent. The girls stopped dead in their tracks then turned and looked at me as if I was a ghost (which I was about to become, due to the lack of food). “Mom,” the girls asked, “did we have to bring dad, all he’s done is whine all day.” Who…me? These guy’s had barely looked in my direction all day, and night.
It’s been four days now since that fateful trip, and it appears the girls are about to go out again. But I have staked out my spot on the sofa with one eye open.
“Hey dear,” my wife ask, “Were going to Target wanna come?” Let’s see… if I lay perfectly still and close my other eye… maybe I can pass for dead.