Footballgate: All The Commissioners Men


The parking garage was very dark, but behind the light of the lit cigarette, I could just make out the silhouette of a man of stocky build in a hoody.

When we first received the call at the offices of “My Cluttered Attic”  which is actually nothing more than a desk in a corner, we surmised that the voice on the other end of the phone was that of a chronic mumbler.

I thoughtlessly asked the voice how he got our number, “Speed Dialer” was his terse response.

He went on to say, that he had read where I had suggested the New England Patriots had deflated footballs for the AFC Championship game. We agreed to meet at a parking garage just outside of Boston. I was instructed not to call the Washington Post, or Bob Woodward.

It was then that I realized that my investigation had only scratched the service. Obviously this story went higher than someone as important as say, the President of the United States. If all the dots were connected, it could quite possibly lead all the way up to the offices of the NFL!

When we met in that cold, dark, and damp parking garage, the man in the hoody, tried desperately to disguise his voice to sound like that of actor Hal Holbrook, but all that came out were mumbles.

He started by asking, “You don’t know what you have here, do you?” Then he coughed after he had inhaled and continued, “By the way, I don’t smoke, or as far as you know I don’t, got that? I replied, “Okay.”

He asked me if I had bothered to look at the laundry hamper in the Patriots locker room after the game? I said, “Why, was I suppose to, besides I couldn’t get a media-pass last Sunday?”

He responded by saying, “What do I have to do here, spell it out for you?” He must have taken the stupid look on my face to mean yes.

He proceeded to describe an elaborate plot whereby, NFL officials had rigged the game on Sunday by deflating—by 16 ounces—all of the balls used by the Patriots. The officials then made sure that the Indianapolis Colts had footballs filled to regulation.

After doing this, the officials (who suspiciously checked every ball during the game), then dumped all the needles, under the Patriots dirty uniforms, which were in that hamper.

I asked why would they do a thing like that?

He became incredulous and said, “Look, even a dull bulb like you should be able to read between the lines. The NFL wanted a true East/West contest, for better ratings. And in any event, the Patriots playing Seattle in the Super Bowl, would be a far more attractive match-up, as opposed to the Colts and Seahawks.”

He concluded, “The lopsided score tells you all you need to know.” So I asked, “Who would orchestrate such a thing?” His answer, “Follow the money. Only one man has the power to pull off a stunt like this, and make it look like the Patriots were behind it all.”

A phone rang in the offices of the NFL. They went into to wake the Commissioner, and found him fast asleep on his mattress filled with millions of dollars. They carefully shook his pillow-cases, stuffed with tens and twenty’s, and informed him the press had a few question for him.

Bleary eyed, he responded, we did an in-house investigation and found the Patriots guilty of tampering, as of now the investigation is on-going.

However despite the findings, we will only slap them with a measly $25,000 dollar fine. In any event, this will not prevent them from playing in the Super Bowl, as corruption…I mean games, are settled on the field.

When last seen the Commissioner had turned to wave to all his supporters, all 7 of them, while standing on the top stair before entering his helicopter.

As to the identity of “Deep Mumbles” know one knows.


2 comments on “Footballgate: All The Commissioners Men

  1. I’m doing my Super Bowl “coverage” now and it is very hard to stay off all the topics that haunt the NFL. We know them all and none of them are getting addressed. Well…Chip Kelly got fired again. There’s that. 🙂

    • I’m currently nailing his coffin shut even as we speak, while working on Trent Baalke’s. Yet, I can’t help feeling someones coffin is missing. Although, I hear rumors that Jed York is on life support, meaning works looking up. 😀

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